in 2nd grade we had to draw what we wanted to be when we grew up and i just drew myself with sunglasses on
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[first day as a scientist]
*accidentally finishes science*
[1st day working at appliance store]
CUSTOMER: How do I turn this dishwasher on?
ME: *leans in close and whispers* Foreplay
I hate it when restraining orders get in the way of meaningful relationships.
Well played future wife. You win this round
*gets stabbed and looted by mugger*
me: “oh yeah just leave like everyone else does”
I never know what to wear to the dentist. I can’t wear my white t-shirt because it’ll make my teeth look bad by comparison, but I can’t wear my black t-shirt because I stole it from my dentist.
A laugh track, but for every time my boss says “I need this done today.”
Sorry, “hella” was an inappropriate word choice. I was trying to be cool. I’ll rephrase: Your son is totally missing.
haha remember when I was in charge of a children’s birthday party at the pottery studio I worked at and I kicked things off by saying “alright it’s jenna’s sixth birthday, pretty impressive she’s made it this far…”
Psychologist: [holds up inkblot] and this one?
Me: a black swirling pit of despair
Psychologist: nope, it’s a duck wearing a funny hat
I been hollering for the past 10 minutes 😂😂😂
Don’t let the cargo shorts and flip flops fool you…I’m not the sex symbol you may think I am.
If you ever see me running… it’s either away from my problems or towards an ice cream van
The calories in food given to you by someone else don’t count, right?
Someone said that my kid would probably grow up to be president, and I’m not sure if it was meant as a compliment or an insult.
Website: are you a robot?
Cyborg: *sweating activated*
In about five years when a kindergarten teacher is taking attendance and calls out Thanos at least eight boys will say “here.”
My wife and I couldn’t agree about whether or not I’m her hero. She’s in the bathroom right now and I’ve hid the toilet paper. We’re about to resolve this.
To the parent who sent their kid with slime as a Valentine to the class I just want you to know that I will send my daughter with kinetic sand to give to your kid as a thank you gift.
Dragged myself to the fridge because I promised myself I’d be productive tonight and god knows the ice cream isn’t gonna eat itself
I’m not a shout it from the rooftops kind of person, but I’ll write it on a post-it and leave it lying around for people to see.
[fancy dinner]
ME: please pass the (forgets the name for salt) dried ocean
Boss: How is the project coming along?
Me:*closing browser of sick kick flip videos* Totally rad…icalizing our sales data analysis, Sir.
American cheese is just regular cheese that’s not afraid to fight for freedom! Also, it’s fatter than the other cheeses. And more racist.
Sure breakups are hard, but have you ever had to wait for your phone to stop ringing you so you can start using it again?
me: I forgot my line
movie director: I really regret bringing you on this fishing trip
When one door closes, another one opens which is also one of the first signs you probably have a poltergeist.
Me: I cut the grass, edged, cleaned up the leaves and took out the garbage.
Anyone else: Oh wow, great job!
My wife: Did you clean the grass off the mower?
Dogs should be allowed to drive.
Drugs CAN make your life
miserable but if you wanna
leave no room for error,
try a Marriage Certificate.
One time I went on a date with a women’s basketball coach and he told me that women’s basketball is so much more about the fundamentals, and I have no idea what that means, but I say it every time I watch women’s basketball with other people and all the guys nod in agreement.