Its really disgusting how other white people dont even know about the plight of [quickly wikipedias “Who is having alot of plight 2012]
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Rhythmic banging against the wall, his hands grasping the sheets. Unable to get what he needs, he gets out of bed to turn off the Roomba.
“23 and Me” is how Leonardo DiCaprio RSVPs for events.
My husband and I play this game where we buy potato chips the other one doesn’t like so we don’t have to share.
Who cares about the new GTA when you can sit down and enjoy the new testament
Oh crap, this isn’t what I ordered… who has my foot-long sub?
I love a “hell yeah” moment right before it turns into a “well shit” situation.
Being a woman means owning ten bras. One you wear six days a week. One is on emergency reserve in case you have to leave the house on laundry day. And the rest exist to take up space in your already overstuffed underwear drawer.
“i’m going to give them a piece of my mind” no you should hang onto those you’re running out
[leaving a birthday party with my piñata friend] i swear i didn’t know they were going to do that
“Just take me home”
Programming Skills: PRIMARILY RUBY AND PYTHON BUT I CAN USE ANY TYPE OF GEM TO CONTROL ANY TYPE OF SNAKE
My kids’ bathroom looks like their toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
She carries herself with such poise, clumsy poise but still.
[first time]
HER: (handing me condom) Do you know how to put this on?
ME: They showed us in health class.
HER: Good.
ME: Okay, where’s the banana?
Be right back. Gotta climb a huge hill, put my 4 yr old on a piece of plastic & then shove him down a sheet of ice.
Geez man, take it easy.
I’m thankful for cell phones because carrying around 85,626 photos of my dog in my wallet wouldn’t be easy.
Once I was driving with my first wife and we got into a screaming match while she was also eating an ice cream cone. I reached my breaking point and slammed on the brakes which made her face go all in the ice cream. This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve ever done
what do you mean I never take you anywhere we just took a 365 day trip around the sun
I was going to learn to play the violin, but it was too much of a commitment.
I wanted something with no strings attached.
Using my invisible hula hoop really freaks people out.
Pros and cons of doing something you love:
Pros: It’s something you love
Cons: Doing.
Something good is coming my way I can feel it. Nothing life changing, probably just a hotdog
God please let it be a hotdog
Toy Story (1995): A young boy’s toy chest becomes possessed by haunted dolls, forcing the family to move away. But the dolls find him.
The Person Who Discovered Sharks
The last time I danced at a party, someone told me I looked like a wildebeest on a frozen lake.
It’s always the same old story. I meet a woman, things are going great, then my puppet starts screaming
I’d throw you a flower, infact, I’d throw you an entire plant.
who called it hell and not heaven’t
I told my 3-year-old the beans in her taco were chocolate jelly beans and she took 3 whole bites before she decided to never trust me again.
[During sex]
Me: I know you want me to be “naughty”, but I can barely breathe in this Hamburglar costume.