i can never allow myself to acknowledge tripping in public i always gotta add another couple leaps like i’m an Olympic triple jumper
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Sauron: I made everyone cheese bagel bites
Middle Earth: Yay
Sauron: [makes his own bagel bite, but this time, with all the toppings]
I follow so many accounts that have these amazing inspirational quotes and I’m over here like….
“I need coffee”
“Wine is my bestie”
“My kids are weird”
“Laundry sucks”So here’s my inspirational quote:
Fight like you’re the third monkey trying to get on Noah’s Ark.
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul to keep
And if I die before I wake
Good
*writes on wall in ketchup*
THE CHAMBER OF SECRETS HAS BEEN OPENEDBoss: What the hell are you doing?
Me: Somebody ate my corndogs.
then my mum calls to ask why I’m not attending a family dinner; she says where is the glue
me: glue?
her: the glue you have been sniffing
In addition to dental offices, the following should be allowed to offer nitrous oxide:
•car dealerships
•gynecologists
•children’s birthday parties when parents have to stay and wait
•nail salons
•work meetings that last longer than 30 minutes
•baby showers
This is like the worst pick up line I’ve ever heard in my life. Come on now guys do better. do better.
😩🤭😂🤣😂🤦🏼♀️
You should never text and drive. All it takes is one moment of distraction and suddenly everyone in the group chat thinks you can’t spell.
Let’s talk about Sex Baby. I regret you naming our son that. You’re a real piece of shit, Tammy.
Everyone please stop saying that today’s date only happens once. EVERY date only happens once, that’s how time works.
My phone should just know if the passcode is entered incorrectly the first 3 times then it’s definitely me.
There’s black ice out there. Walk slowly with a wide stance while crouching and keep your arms away from your body for balance. I’m not sure if it will keep you safer but it’s funny to think about you walking that way.
Might start a YouTube channel “will it hurt if i drop it on my foot”
LIFE LESSON: Never do anything which you don’t want to explain to the Paramedics.
Watch my hands when I say “latitude” or “longitude.” It’s as much for my benefit as yours.
It’s like ten thousand tweets when all you need is a life.
a wizard dating app called bumbledore
[Lab]
MONSTER: What is my name?
“We’ll call you…Frankenstein”
MONSTER: But that is your name
“Yeah, people won’t make a big deal of it”
Daddy! Tell me a story..
The Tooth Fairy is really a wicked witch, who takes all your teeth if you sleep with your mouth open.
Good night.
Fun like a LinkedIn notification
All parents share a common truth:
that children are wonderful, from the day they are born, til the day they can talk.
So in The Matrix they feed you the liquified remains of the dead through a tube but you get to sleep and be online all day? I’m listening.
“Two messages, Sir. First, your tea has run out”
“Correct English is ‘you’ve run out of tea’. What else?”
“You’ve walked out of wife”
The real heroes are my neighbours in a 5km radius during my quarantine bagpipe practice
actually, i like watching MMA for the outfits
If you call the coffee mugs by your bed “a collection”, you never have to take them to the sink
i gotta stop wearing clothes that have recently washed up on shore
An FBI profiler once told me there are very few psychopaths out there.
I booped his nose and said, “I beg to differ.”
Satisfied that he had all the ingredients he needed, Phineas moved on to the next big question – how to get it into the dog’s food.
What’s there to get? the floor is hard. And cold. And too smooth. That’s why I vomit on the carpet.
–my dog