Inventor of the toaster:
How about something that makes bread warm and crunchy, but also doubles as a murder weapon?
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[eating dinner]
wife
me
wife
me [wearing 8 Burger King crowns] If they didn’t want you to take more than one there’d be a sign
wife
me
wife
Me: I hate how someone keeps putting advertising flyers on my windshield and forcing me to throw them away.
Friend: Flyers for what?
Me: Some club called VIOLATION.
38% of being a dad is sitting in a car looking at your watch and waiting for everybody else to come out
My neighbor killed the grass in my yard so now I have to go and be all Lawn Wick on his garden gnomes
Spider bucket list:
1. Eat flies
2. Don’t get squashed by a crazy screaming lady when all I’m doing is eating flies
3. Meet Peter Parker
Me: give me all the brisket you have
Food truck attendant: jesus I’m driving 80, how are you still holding on
Things that are dangerous-
-riding a motorcycle
-sharks
-riding sharks
Me: sorry I can’t make it to your party tonight but I’m kinda popular & I can’t jeopardise that by being seen with you..
Daughter: wtf dad?
I asked Mom how she’d like me to honor her when the time came.
She replied, “What makes you think I’m going out first?”
A quick way to get your kids to leave you alone is to say, “I need to make your dentist appointment.”
“So sorry” – Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me
I’m just a girl, yodeling at the top of my lungs, until someone agrees to give me this latte for free.
Sing it!
Parents yelling “I’m not going to ask you again” at their kids, will definitely be asking them again
HER: where were u last nite
ME: *turns on airplane mode*
HER: did u just say *turns on airplane mode*???
Give me a few strong men, and I’ll build a nation. Give me a few hot women, and I’ll conquer the world.
Barbie didn’t give me a poor body image; Barbie taught me you can’t reattach a head once it’s been removed from the body.
Me: pass me that cup
Kid: *gives me cup*
Me: I didn’t say simon says haha
[Later]
Me: PASS… MY… INHALER
Kid: not falling for that again
Satan: you can spend eternity in hell OR you can go to work for the first time in 5 days.
Me: hmmm
Satan: well?
Me: IM THINKING, DAMN IT
me: [sets to bed time reminders on my Fitbit to be responsible]
Later that night
Fitbit: time for bed
me: DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO
Tonight we discovered 9 memorized my phone code and 6 memorized my husband’s code.
They’re working together, we’re in trouble.
We got about 5-6 inches of snow here in the last 24 hrs, or, according to men, we got 8 inches.
The life cycle of an unsuccessful business:
1. Under construction
2. Grand opening!
3. Temporarily closed
4. Open under new management!
5. Temporarily closed
6. Permanently closed
7. Spirit Halloween
When I was younger I was convinced by the time I was this age I’d need a lawyer on retainer, so I’m not sure if I’m winning or sucking at adulting.
what ages does the sticky crusty food particles all over the fridge door handles stop? because it’s not 13, 9 and 7.
My Jehovahs Witness coworker got mad when I started calling him the “Knock-topus” after he spilled ink all over his shirt
July 2019
*buys new dress shoes from .shoes.com*August 2019 – present
*gets 30% off email from .shoes.com EVERY OTHER day*August 2060:
*.shoes.com representative chisels “30% off” coupon code on my headstone*
how do we even know zombies only eat brains? it’s not like anyone has ever tried to offer them a hotdog or something
A pet is a great way for kids to learn about death. For instance, I had a snake and that killed four of my friends.
I cry when I cut my carrots because I don’t want my onions to feel awkward.