[out to eat with in-laws]
Me: Waiter, your cheapest bottle of champagne
Wife: Hey these are my parents
Me: Waiter, 4 glasses of tap water
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Destined to be a firefighter from birth.
Dominos just called to let me know my pizza’s on the way. They correctly assumed I’d need time to find my pants.
Me: I love living in a place with four seasons.
Me, the first day I have to scrape ice off my car: Screw this entire state.
the most unrealistic thing about stranger things is how max was the only character who was advised to seek psychological help
I wonder how many medieval chefs were executed because the king’s food taster had food allergies
“Welcome to McDonald’s, how may I take your order?”
“Begrudgingly, I would imagine.”
The first guy that paid for life insurance died never knowing if it was a scam.
In phone books, “assisted living” is next to “assassin”, so be more careful than I was, hiring someone to ‘take care of grandma’.
Don’t be ashamed of who you are.
That’s your parents job.
If your job is so “essential” that you can’t get off for a killer global pandemic, you deserve $15 an hour and a union.
Can we just call it Zealand now? How long has it been? Move on people
Husband: You said you’d work out with me today, but you’re just sitting on the couch.
Me: I’m getting plenty of exercise RUNNING my mouth!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: RUNNING my mouth. You know, like R-
Him: I’m gonna agitate a wasp’s nest and lock you outside
My fortune cookie message read :
“You appeal to a small, select group
of confused people” ….Uh huh ….
When my daughter is alarmed she says what the fridge! And I’m cool with it.
Me: I think I’m just scared of change.
Therapist: *flips a quarter*
Me: *screams*
Wife: I need you to do some things around the house this weekend
Me: I’m way ahead of you
Wife: no, like helpful things
Me: ah
⛄️
[job interview]
interviewer: any weaknesses?
death star: only a little one
I keep a set of 5 airtight canisters on my kitchen counter:
Flour, sugar, coffee, tea, rage.
As your mom always said, “Heavy is the head that wears the clown.”
I know you didn’t sneeze. I said “God bless you” because your baby is ugly.
When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents
me: this english class is stupid who needs grammar
{ 15 years later }
me, leaning to lawyer: what the hell is a sentence
Can’t, holding a grudge
No love I have for someone could ever be strong enough to make me think it was appropriate to stand side-by-side with them on an escalator
Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?
CO-WORKER: Ten minutes until quitting time!
ME: Wow, you’re resigning too?
My flabber has been gasted.
[3am]
me: *sleeping*
brain: omg you’re late for work!
me: oh shit *jumps out of bed*
brain: lmao you’re so gullible