smh
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[Seeing your baby for the first time]
Don’t say she has a big head.
Don’t say she has a big head.Me: At least you don’t have to worry about her head getting caught between the crib slats.
Amazon problems:
1920: pirahna
1990: losing rainforest
2017: wrong size
dinosaur: [walks out of divorce court to find a parking ticket on his car] ugh this day can’t get any wor
My eyes are up here, buddy. Stop looking at my spaghetti sauce stain.
I enjoy long walks in the woods, but only because there’s a chance I’ll get eaten by a bear.
only 11 steps left
Please send yard fairy. Or a genie. Or your firstborn. Anyone that will cut grass will do
It’s been six years since my job interview.
I’m beginning to suspect they chose someone else.
Gramma: When I was your age, a candy bar was a nickel
Me: That sounds really hard to swallow
at its core, Harry Potter is a beautiful story about the value of having a hot mom
*logs onto Facebook*
*sees 347 ultrasound pictures*
*logs off forever*
*climbing on massage table*
Me: Okay so here’s the thing, I don’t like to be touched
My Boyfriend hates it when we role play and I’m the Doctor cause I make him wait 3 hours bill him then send in a med student named Chad.
I’m a barista which means I have 100 boyfriends and everyday they each give me one dollar
With the rubber gloves, face masks, face shields, condoms, and smell of Lysol…sex isn’t as fun as it used to be.
[emergency]
[super hero appears]
GUY: It’s Doesn’t-Understand-Rhetorical-Questions Man. Boy, am I glad to see you!
HERO: I…I don’t know
My favorite thing about Twitter is that you can broadcast your opinion about anything, defend your opinion in an argument, and always run the risk of the person arguing with you being the one who literally created the thing you’re arguing about.
This day in history. 1701. Maryland legalized divorce in cases where the wife displeased their clergyman. What kind of kinky cult was that?
CIVIL ENGINEER: ok let’s build stuff.
UNCIVIL ENGINEER: *smashes popsicle stick bridge*
You ever tried driving the speed limit and thought, “They can’t be serious.”
I thought pansexual was a type of pizza crust.
There’s a police officer trying to get me to roll down my window.
I’m calling the cops.
I socially identify as the guy who tried to jump off of the sinking Titanic but ending up hitting a massive propeller on the way down.
WIFE: I thought you said you were going to the gym.
ME: [playing Pokémon Go] I’ve been to like 3 of them today. What are you talking about?
[hospital]
Looks like ur Vine went viral.
“Yay!”
Sorry ur VEIN went viral…you have a fatal blood disease.
“So wait–my Vine didn’t go viral?”
Freddy Kruger: I’ll get you in your sleep!
Me: Good luck with that.
(4am)
Freddy: *yawning* What the hell? Go to sleep already.
Me: Jokes on you. I’m only up to 4th grade on reliving my most embarrassing moments in life.
Freddy: NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!
*jingles half the way*
People: cats are so detached and just do their own thing
My cats: are you getting up for 20 seconds to get a glass of water?? I’ll come with you, gonna meow the whole time, hey bud so are we going back to bed or chilling on the couch? I am gonna be a nuisance in either location
[job interview]
What’s ur greatest strength?
“I wear too much cologne”
No, I mean-
“A lady legit passed out when I got in the elevator”
You can’t tell me there’s anything better than ear plugs, I simply will not hear it