OKAY IF YOU CANNOT HAVE CAKE AND EAT IT TOO WHAT EXACTLY IS THE PURPOSE OF CAKE
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[first date]
HER: I love to learn
ME: (trying to impress her) I spent two extra years in high school
I’m getting the sneaking suspicion that my therapist isn’t the one who’s supposed to be crying during our sessions.
I like to imagine that gymnastics competitions are just an elaborate game of ‘the floor is lava’.
My yearbook quote is the only thing I am proud of
it says here you got fired from Olive Garden because you kept saying
“pasta la vista, baby” to people. why would you put that on a resume
Turns out, you can live vicariously through anything if you try hard enough. Right now I’m a pumpkin being launched 1,000 feet across a field by a catapult at a Punkin Chunkin festival. Weeeee!
I decided to change things up for my neighbors. Instead of seeing me topless, they caught me bottomless.
[castle wall]
KNIGHT: the enemy is advancing
ME: *panicking* close the gates! man your battle stations!
KNIGHT: their chariots are pulled by puppies
ME: keep the gates half open. let’s see how this plays out
I feel sorry for all those girls bragging that they don’t have a gag reflex. They’ll probably die choking on an Olive Garden bread stick.
Due to a recent incident I lost my job as the ‘CEO of Washing Dishes’ and got an internship as the ‘Head of Watching Brown Rice Boil’
guys I was hanging out at a coffeeshop/bar/restaurant and you’ll never guess what but a perfect strawman of my political enemies presented a well-constructed example of why they suck, within earshot of where I was sitting!
Showering at a woman’s house is like being at an open bar for conditioners.
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesi-tato
😂
Me: Achoo!
People trying to scare me: Boo!
My bladder: I hate October.
Canada is the 6th most peaceful country in the world in 2018. Canadians wondering who we gotta fight to get closer to #1.
Me: shut tf up, I’m trying to sleep
Brain: ….. SO LIKE I WAS SAYING
Joke’s on you, mugger. You only got my dummy wallet with money and IDs. All my photos of mom and my iguanas are taped to my inner thigh.
*Does one sit-up. Whispers to self.
“That’ll do pig. That’ll do.”
DOCTOR: “You sit down too much.”
ME: “I understand.”
DOCTOR: “Exactly.”
why does mommy cry when she cuts onions?
“she feels guilty cuz she stole them. see *lifts son onto lap* your mother likes to steal onions”
I’m sorry the hint I dropped on you was tied to an anvil.
Sweetie, I didn’t mute you. I turned the quality filter on and then all your tweets disappeared.
If you people would’ve used a little more alizarin crimson like Bob Ross told you to, none of this would be happening right now
Werent we promised soylent green by now?
Ned Stark is just a gay Boromir.
An uber eats driver just sent me a thank you for a tip on an order I placed three weeks ago and I really resonate with that level of procrastination
public defender: if we get the wooden hammer away from the judge we win
Courage is taking a selfie at an angle below your chin.
We have two 5 month old kittens and they went outside for the first time today. They stepped out, looked around, saw our neighbour then ran back in and hid under the table and I think I may have birthed them
No sound cuts through the ambiance of a fine dining restaurant quite like the unmistakable noise of my wallet being unvelcroed