(True)
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Mafia Boss: You wearin’ a wire?
Me: “Wire” you asking me that? lol get it[the rest of this tweet takes place on the bottom of a river]
Eat food with the fridge open in front of the other food to establish dominance as well as prepare for the next feeding.
Me: New outfit?
Wife: This old thing? I’ve had it for…
Me: The bank sent me an alert on my phone.
Wife: …minutes.
My friend reckons he’s going to make a fortune flying people about in his invisible aeroplane. I can’t see it taking off.
IKEA challenge: assemble anything with drawers
IKEA double challenge: add cats
IKEA triple challenge: now wine
“fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u” – a goldfish 🙁
I was under the false impression that my kids would stop elbowing me in the bladder after they were born
Instead of Wordle, I call it Word Without Friends.
what do you mean i didn’t reach out i literally thought about you
That “Barbie” movie is so popular they should make some merch for it. Maybe an actual doll or something.
the pigeons are already plenty salty
google maps should not count towards my screen time. i’m not addicted to my phone im disoriented
The skeletons in my closet are making inappropriate sexual advances at the monsters under my bed!
[rejected dialogue from star trek II: the wrath of khan]
khan: revenge is a dish with a dried glob of food on it that won’t come off no matter how hard you scrub
EXECUTOR OF MY WILL: I’m so sorry for your loss. Mr. Nadeau has requested he be mummified, but in Fruit Roll-Ups.
WIFE: *Knocks on coffin* Andrew. You have to stop doing this. Are you alive?
ME: *Muffled* No.
WIFE:
ME: *Muffled but sadder* Maybe.
I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta when cooking, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight…I got extra.
Judge: If you think I’m buying your insanity defense, you’re CRAZY.
Defendant: *smiles*
Judge: Dammit! You’re free to go. 3rd one this week.
No one
An atheist: I am an atheist btw
“I’d make an awesome president. Give me a problem, any problem.”
“Um, population control?”
“Kill all the storks. BOOM!”
The leading method of suicide in Albania is attempting to kidnap Liam Neeson’s daughter.
Marie Kondo Vs. Hoarders
“Do these 370 cats bring you joy?”
“Yes. Get out!”
If you find me on my death bed, please wake me up and move me over to the life couch. Throw the death bed away, I don’t know why I keep it.
Idea: shants. Pants for when you don’t want to wear pants. It’s still very much in the concept phase, ok?
[knock on door]
JEHOVAH’S WITNESS: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
ME (hates gossip): no
If you’re hitting the gas every time she tries to open the passenger side door, remember, the 8th time is always the funniest.
Any body can be a summer body if it’s discovered between the months of June and September
Me: I think it’s time to get rid of that beard.
Beard: Dude?! I’m like right here!
Me: Yeah, you becoming self-aware is part of the problem.
Wife: “How did your first day as a lifeguard go?”
Me: “Amazingly well, thanks. Everyone was so friendly and waving at me.”
Genie: you have 17 wishes
Me: isn’t it normally 3??
Genie: yeah but *vaguely gestures to me* lot of issues here.
Starbucks job interview:
“What’s your name?”
“Alyssa”
“Spell that please”
“L A R I S S A”
“When can you start?”