*Watching opening credits -The Winter Olympics in PyeongChang 2018*
Me: “How do you pronounce that?”
Daughter: (Heavy sigh & eye-roll) “OH.LIM.PIKS”
You Might Also Like
I shot a man in Reno just to watch him dry
(I used a water pistol)
My signature move is getting drunk before anyone can ask me to be the designated driver.
I choose a lazy person to do a hard job. Because a lazy person will find an easy way to do it. – Bill Gates
How is it this guy has not hired me yet?
“Are you making the aquarium pets fight again?”
“NO,” I exclaim, quickly putting Octopus Prime and MegaPrawn back into the tank.
It’s a 50% chance the dental floss on the floor is mine, but until I wrestle it back into the trash, I’m treating it like a cobra at large.
im about to go on a date. im sure it will be perfectly normal and wont go viral or anything…
“Yes mam that’ll be $1200”
“Just to remove a cassette tape that’s stuck?”
“Ma’m, it’s in your CD player”
Setting a teachers salary based on student performance is akin to paying a zookeeper based on how well the monkeys are behaving.
My co-worker said he’s bleeding out of his ear. “That time of the month?” I replied.
He’s not amused.
I’m sorry that I’m canceling plans.
I made them last week when I assumed that, by now, I’d be a different person.
We’ve got Tyrannosaurus Rex stamps and Queen Elizabeth II stamps in the Post Office at the moment. People can choose between a tyrannical long-dead reptile… or our beloved queen who died recently. I can’t believe you thought I was going to make that joke.
“WHAT IS THAT NOISE?”
“Mom…”
“IS IT DEATH METAL?”
“It’s…”
“ARE YOU A DEVIL WORSHIPPER?!”
“One Direction.”
“ARE YOU GONNA KILL THE DOG?!”
ME: (right before I go under anesthesia)
SURGEON: How much you want to bet this guy is full of candy?
Arachnophobia is stupid I mean why are we all terrified of a bug that knits all day?
Dr: I need a urine and stool sample.
Me: *hands him my underwear*
Dr:……
Me: Its all there.
Me: asks my oldest son to do anything at all
Him: plays dead
Today, I want to talk about petting a cat with wet hands and why that’s no good for your hands or the cat.
Couldn’t find my protein shake this morning. I really had lost my whey.
Interviewer: [extends arm] hello
Me: [extends arm but hand is stuck in a Pringles can] hello
My baby never smiles bigger than when she find my phone left unlocked.
She has a rye sense of humor & great buns.
I’m her hero, although I don’t have much dough.
I can’t wheat to see her!
I’m in loaf.
*job interview*
Boss: Give an example of when you’ve done something creative
Me: When I listed my ‘experience’ on the application form
Not doing anything with my life is surprisingly time consuming
Once a married woman “gave me a piece of her mind,”bc her (also married) TC retweeted me. I didn’t RT him, nor did I know the dorks were ‘TCs,’ but ok. Then he sent me DMs to say she was crazy.I didn’t respond so he told me I was a snob.
Anyway, I hate it here. I’m never leaving
Me: ‘Anyway, I think the songs here are just kinda made up and pretty terrible.’
Priest: ‘This isn’t how confession works.’
YouTube gives me ads in Japanese, google news gives me all the hot gossip from India, my ads on google play are in Chinese. I only speak English.
I, as a biological male, sometimes get menopause ads.
I’m sometimes paranoid over data collection & this all makes me calm down! Lol.
Cleaning takes hours of backbreaking labor. But you can apologize for the mess without ever leaving the comfort of your favorite chair.
Who decided that we should sit together in groups while we chew food?
[Spider sits at computer and Googles probability of being eaten by human in his lifetime] Holy shit Sharon, COME SEE THIS
3 has started saying “actually,” so now I have a tiny reply guy following me around all day