love it when you say or do some common sense thing and the other person has “file not found” written all over their face
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I can’t get out of bed. These blankets have accepted me as one of their own and If I leave now I might lose their trust.
College was the most expensive video-streaming service in last 2 years
I never move faster than when I’m pulling a shirt or sweater over my head. I like to minimize the “murder window” as much as possible.
her: i only date woke guys
me: [trying to impress] i have insomnia
The recommended age to have a Ouija Board is 8+ years old.
So, you need to be 21 years old to drink alcohol and 8 to summon the devil.
Once, just once in my life, I’d love a guy to grab me, pull me in close and whisper
I’m hunting wabbits.
COP: *looking at my license* new jersey?
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
wife: sure is nice around here when the kids are out
me: mm hm
wife: quiet
me:
wife: calm
me:
wife: peaceful
me:
wife: no witnesses
me: what
Facebook now tags fake news stories from sites like The Onion with #satire to protect users who lack 1st grade critical thinking skills.
SEXY FLATMATE: I miss my boyfriend
ME: The doctor?
F: He never comes round anymore
ME [smiling at my room full of apples] Yeah it’s so weird
ME: I’m impressed you got court side seats
MY LAWYER: I hope they find you guilty
Alcohol is generally the answer. Especially when the question is ‘why can’t I remember what the question is?’
British people be like I’m Bri ish
pinnochio trying to win a 40 yard dash by lying as fast as he can at the end
Adulthood is like the part in The Wizard of Oz where Dorothy tries to runaway from her problems, but then SURPRISE, there is also a tornado.
You, watching House Hunters: this is ridiculous
Me, a house hunter: [squatting low to the ground, sniffing house dung] a bungalow is nearby
I like staying home, cause soon as I step outside I spend $100
People who sleep on the floor in a tent, build fires, poop in a hole and fight off bears…there is another way.
[sits backwards in chair so i look cool]
date: you’re gonna miss the movie
No thank you GPS.I have this magic ring on my left hand that connects me to the nice young lady in the passenger’s seat who knows everything
I’m eating strawberries in the bath while watching a spider kill a ladybug. I feel like I’m in a silent French film about sex and death.
The ancient Egyptians loved cat videos.
“You there, yes you, what year is it? Is Kanye West still president?”
People really don’t fall in wells like they used to.
police: DROP YOUR WEAPON
me: places my self-deprecating humor gently on the ground
I never had the birds and the bees talk growing up…I just had Chris Isaak’s Wicked Game music video with Helena Christensen and I was like yes please
boss: you’re fired
me: [pausing tiktok] why
[first day as car salesman]
Customer: electric windows?
Me, taps window: glass
Customer: break horse power?
Me: oh yeah, this will smash a horse to bits
Customer: 4 wheel drive?
Me, quickly counts: yup
Customer: manual?
Me: in the glove box
Sometimes, you have to ask yourself: is my potato cheating on me?
Holiday anxiety is the most festive of all the anxieties.