Happy Thursday guys and remember. If you can’t spot the douche at work today, then it’s probably you.
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Got my son to paint our fence by telling him it was his first karate class.
The Count of Monte Cristo is my favourite book about French Sesame Street.
Baseball glove $150. Baseball bat $250.
Uniform $120.
Cleats $100.
Having my son quit in his first week of little league practice … priceless
If by “social butterfly” you mean I will take off when you come near me, then yep.
Give me a microphone and I will love you love loudly.
I just ordered a life alert bracelet, so if I ever get a life I will be notified immediately.
I love you to the refrigerator and back
[McDonald’s]
CUSTOMER: small coke please
WORKER: for the same price you can get every single thing in the world
CUSTOMER: oh
WORKER: so do you want that
CUSTOMER: yes
WORKER: what else
You are NOT too much. You are ENTITLED to take up space. If the Suez Canal doesn’t have room for you that is the Suez Canal’s problem.
I can tell these edibles have finally kicked in by the way I’m caressing my burrito and whispering “Ay Papi” Into what I’m pretty sure is its ear.
[Justice League HQ]
Batman: Hahaha *changes his HBO GO® password and doesn’t give the new one to The Flash*
“how can you be single?”
*smirks*
gimme 60 seconds, you’re about to find out
to the spirits in my walls: going to the store be right back.
Running away doesn’t help you with your problems. Unless you’re fat.
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
WIFE: wtf did u spend $13,000 on at walmart?
ME: [brushing my zebra] he just walked by the scanner and i couldn’t put him back
imagine a dolphin. now imagine a small dog. folks there is plenty more where that came from
If drinking too much alcohol makes you an alcoholic, does drinking too much Fanta make you fantastic?
I gave a man a fish. I taught a man to fish.
Fish aren’t all that happy with me right now.
Watched my kid experience his first deep eye rub, like yeah, kid, get it. Do it til you see shapes.
That dentist from that parking lot flyer says gnawing down trees is just as good as brushing and flossing. I’m referring all my coworkers.
Doctor: and you’re exercising regularly?
Me: actually when I do it, it’s pretty weirdly
TINDER SHOULD SHOW YOU WHAT AGE RANGE UR MATCHES ARE OPEN TO WHAT IF I MATCH WITH A GROWN MAN WHO HAS HIS PREFERENCES DOWN TO 18 HOLY SHIT NO BUENO
I love going to Costco and pretending like I’ve never tried the food they’re sampling, like what’s an “Oreo”
Eating a takeout salad alone in your car can feel depressing, but not if you fully commit to the backstory that you’re a detective on a stakeout.
Them: if you had the power to end one problem in the world today, what would it be?
Me: this conversation.
Why is tater the only food in tot form? We can do better. We deserve better. We demand better.
*storms onto stage*
WHERE IS IT
*crowd gasps*
WHERE IS THE OXYGEN
*crowd continues gasping*
Although I’m not exactly overjoyed with my single status. I thank God I’m not married to the obviously married guy hitting on me.
My almost 80 year old father was scrolling through obituaries the other day at breakfast when he noticed that the husband of one of his old girlfriends had passed away. So anyway my dad has a new girlfriend.