Dating: *lights candle to set the mood*
Married: *lights sage to ward off the evil poop smell*
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he’s got his mother’s eyes, and his father’s chin… when will this child stop collecting bodyparts
Babies are undefeated at debate. Their gibberish is too passionate
Judas has been acting weird the last few days.
Texts from mom:
Thanks to the supreme court, now it’s not just women who won’t marry you.
Not all heroes wear capes…
I’ve touched enough cacti to know they are sharp but also not enough to stop touching cacti.
Keep your friends close and your unattractive enemies closer so you look better by comparison in pictures.
“Oh really? Sorry, my emails have been acting funny lately”
They haven’t.
What’s a moderation, and how do I drink in one?
When people with bible quotes in their bio follow me…I don’t know man. I think you’re gonna have a bad time
When I’m mad at my husband, I ask him to help me find my phone and then put it in my pocket on silent.
Me: I’m shy
Tequila: Not anymore
Empathy: I feel you
Sympathy: I feel for you
Lycanthropy: I feel awoo
I don’t listen to my voicemails because it’s none of my business what people say to when I’m not there.
Why are normal house sounds suddenly menacing when I’m alone?
Not alone: Hears creaking. It’s the wind.
Alone: Hears creaking. Yup, that’s an ax murderer.
Something ive learned about being on twitter for 10 years is when a non twitter person sends me content from someone i know and am mutuals with the nice/normal reply is to laugh. Do not say “i know them! They had a tough divorce!”
Pot warmers of the day.
You haven’t texted me since you went to bed. Are we ok??
*finds sheet of bubble wrap in drawer*
Hmm…
*presses intercom button*
Janet? Cancel my appointments today. Something important just came up.
DR DOG: *applying a cast to a broken bone* Are you sure you don’t just want me to cut it off?
Child: Mommy said I’m allowed to say the C-word now.
Me: Uh. What C-word?
Child: The bad one.
Me:
Child:
Me: Mommy is letting you say-
Wife [running in from other room]: CRAP SHE MEANS CRAP
[on a date]
ME: Tell me about yourself.
DATE: October 5.[later]
ME: When can I see you again?
DATE: Maybe in a year.
One thing about me, I’m a clear communicator
I feel it
As they strap me into the electric chair, I realize the warden is about to discover the 3 ounces of contraband popcorn kernels I have up my rectum.
“Keep pumping until something happens.”
-Home Depot guy teaching me to prime the snow blower says the first thing I’ve understood.
People who pretend they don’t know me when they see me in public are the real heroes
a Pride of Lions. A Murder of Crows. a Fame of Pete Davidson Exes
[father and son riding bikes together]
dad, how’d you get so good?
[doing a wheelie] I’ve had a lot of DUIs
[Excavation for dino bones]
DIGGER: Sir, we found something BIG!
DOG PALEONTOLOGIST: *tail wags* Ok go for break [salivating] I’ll finish up