What was your favorite part of school today?
1st child: My teacher told me that I was a great helper!
2nd child: Taking toys away from my friends!
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News Anchor: And now, to report live about this incredibly dangerous storm, we’ll send you out to one of our expendable reporters.
If you’re having a bad day just remember, somewhere in the world someone’s telling their parents they’re a life coach
I wasn’t allowed to watch “A Charlie Brown Christmas” as a kid because of my Peanut allergy.
My wife is having hot flashes today which explains why the air conditioning is set to below freezing and there are several penguins in my living room.
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
[first date]
me: they know me here
date: *reading sign on wall* “No Puppetry”?
me (proudly): I’m the reason they have that
With regard to that five second rule – do they have to be consecutive seconds?
Is fake venison called venisn’t
[chess tournament]
RIVAL: [plays move]
ME: [knocks board aside. punches rival in face] Chess!
COMMENTATOR: He’s won every round this way
Mechanic: Your car’s got a flat
Me: It’s called a garage
Just saw a guy wearing a hat that says “Don’t Bother Me,” so I asked him where he got it & how much it cost & whether or not it works.
*Pays bills*
*Bank turns off debit card for suspicious activity*
fireworks, because firehasbillstopay
You’re erasing syllables to make the word shorter. I’m adding syllables to make the word longer. We are not the samerino
Relax TV weatherman with your sciencey explanation of today’s fog. It’s a cloud on the ground, just say it. Help me not hate you.
I think High School birth control classes should just be forcing the students to watch videos of me taking my 3 kids to the grocery store
Him: *leans in* I’m a hugger.
Me: *tases him* I’m not.
Timeouts just give children a quiet place to plot your murder.
DOCTOR: have you been drinking enough fluids?
ME: that’s literally all I drink
[interviewing babysitter]
me: how much do you charge?
ipad:
I told my husband not to get me anything for Valentine’s Day, now we wait…
He: “Darling, may I have potato pasta for dinner, please?”
She: “Gnocchi dokey.”
#PotatoDay #RubbishJokes
*Day 9 of quarantine*
Him: My beard is really filling out!
Me: *rubbing my face* Mine too!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: What?
Half the time when you booked The Cure, you got Placebo instead..
To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.
Other kids growing up wanted to be a cowboy or a spaceman. Me, I wanted to be a hippopotamus.
And I’ve still got time.
The little toadstool has spoken.
I read that playing mind games will keep your brain sharp. I’ll start tonight by acting like I’m not mad when I really am mad.
Who were the kings of disco?
A) Gees
B) Gees
C) Gees
D) Gees
“I didn’t want to come to your party.” – gift cards