There will always be a special place in my heart for my atrioventricular septum.
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Let’s all bow our heads and pray for my husband who very tragically asked me what I did all day.
How selfish am I? Circus peanuts and black licorice are my favorite candies just so I never have to share.
My husband fell asleep while watching Memento…was shocked to find “remember to NOT trust your wife” written on his forehead with a Sharpie
18 hasn’t had a haircut since the start of the pandemic, yesterday he let 20 cut his hair so he could donate it, today the post office lady asked what I was sending and I said a ponytail and not another word, anyway, I’m expecting to be on a list by end of day.
Sorry I had to cancel for the 5th time in a row, I thought you would stop inviting me by now.
How bold of you to assume I care, I tell my aloe plant who’s wife just cheated on him (allegedly).
me: I need tires
michelin: here you go
me: now if only someone could rate my restaurant
michelin: you’re not gonna believe this
Step down to the next rung of our ever-lowering journalistic standards.
Just started a new diet where I order Wendy’s salad and then eat all my kids’ fries.
Facebook and Instagram are down so now I have to creep on my ex in person.
best review i’ve ever seen
[first day as a bank manager]
Customer: I’d like a car loan
Me: I’m not lending you my car
if you tell your guests your house was just broken into and fake cry they will clean it for free
*annual sexual harassment seminar.
Boss: We need more seats.
Me: *taps lap* I’ve got a place for someone to sit.
Boss: *sighing* You’re the reason we have these meetings.
*Cowboy stares at the horizon*
“A storm’s comin”
[In the distance, Darude ‘Sandstorm’ can be heard faintly]
*Cowboy cracks a glowstick*
American Ninja Warrior is a bunch of people who took “the floor is lava” game way to seriously as kids.
I asked my 5-year-old what she was on because she was having such a good time wiggling and being weird. She looked at me like she finally met the dumbest person in the world, “the couch.”
I’m rubber, you’re glue. He’s scissors, she’s a toner cartridge, those fellas are paperclips. Welcome to the supply closet pal.
Open-heart surgery is much simpler than most people realize. The key is not to get hung up on whether or not the patient survives.
Me: I’m not getting older. I’m getting bitter.
Autocorrect: Did you mean “better”?
Me: No.
me: i hate my job
gf: why don’t you try living off the land
me: like in the sky?
gf: what
me: you’re right, i’ve been shackled by earthly bonds far too long
Hubs: Ok boys, pick a number 1-4
3 year old: Lion Gaurd!
5 year old: 5!
So yes, homeschooling is going quite well.
If painting yourself into a corner was considered art, I’d be Michelangelo
Dear parents,
Just because your kid is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean that they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. But it could mean that they just downloaded a demon from an occult website. Talk to your kids about the dangers of summoning demons through their phones.
elbows are not enough. we need a pasta for each and every body part
She hated my mixed-tape back in high school. Last month she gave birth to her ninth baby. Thanks for saving my life, Depeche Mode!
911: what’s your emergency sir
me: I can’t find my butler
911: perhaps he is pretending to be a 911 dispatcher like you asked sir
me: will you pretend to be my butler until he gets back
Lower your expectations.
Lower yet.
Keep going.
There.
Hi, I’m Nancy!
[being murdered]
Me: hey Alexa, how about a little mood music over here