I saw a man running and started to panic that there was a fire or a bear and then I remembered that some people just do that.
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Cop: Know why I stopped you?
“You heard the song I was playing?”
Cop: Yes I did, and now HERE I AM
“ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE”
If she’s your girlfriend why is she leaning over the side of the boat to touch me in a way she will never touch you?
Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my bowl of breakfast chili.
Sliced my finger open with an apple corer. See? This wouldn’t happen if I was eating cake.
[at the hotel california]
me: i’d like to check out
desk clerk: alright, you’re all set
me: great, bye
desk clerk: oh, but you can never leave
me: then why did you let me check out
desk clerk: *shrugs*
me: I’ll have the prime rib
waiter: excellent choice sir
me:
waiter: do we really have to do this yet again sir
me: *after sliding to the other side of the table and putting on a blonde wig* oooooh it all looks so good what do you recommend
the three stages of a woman’s life:
– the chosen one
– the mother
– solving crimes in the village
Scrooge: you there, girl, what day is it?
Rebecca Black: *inhales*
Love is always patient and kind.
TOUCH NOT MY PONDERING CRYSTAL
Wife still out of town. I’m afraid if I order Dominos again they will call child services.
[doing a sexy skype chat]
GF: show me urs & I’ll show u mine
ME: mmm baby I can’t wait
*we both lower our cams to show each other our dogs*
How many zombies would Rob Zombie rob if Rob Zombie could rob zombies?
ME: I’ve eaten a lot of spicy food
GF: If u eat too much of it, u lose your sense of taste
ME [watching Adam Sandler] haha he is so funny
Diet diary, day 3
I am so proud of myself, I refused to eat the birthday cake.
But the cup cakes were amazing.
Snape: but my lord, isn’t it more likely that the pure blooded child will have the magical ability to oppose you?
Voldemort: my nemesis isn’t going to be named Longbottom, jfc
[exchanging vows]
HIM: I’ll love you forever.
HER: I’ll love you until you leave me a voicemail.
HIM: Wait, what?!
PRIEST: No, that’s fair.
Me, in a job interview: My weaknesses? I’d have to say one would be serving customers. Dealing with people in general.
HR: This is a customer service position. It was in the ad title.
Me: Another weakness is attention to detail. But that’s really it.
When I die, scatter me across my ex’s front lawn. Also, don’t cremate me.
My young nephew said that people with glasses should only be able to marry other people with glasses. He’s like a tiny Republican senator.
I used to hate flying. I thought the plane would go down. But now I just bring my wife with me on the plane because my wife never goes down.
Me: What are we doing for Valentine’s Day?
My Husband: Raising three kids
When I eat a rotisserie chicken it scares everyone in the car I’m driving.
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35.
Hey dude, can i borrow your laptop? I want to shop for a new computer but it feels cruel to do that on the one I’m replacing.
Greatest “Bad at sex” tweets of 2019
Choose your fighter!
“Alone, here in the post-apocalypse, I can finally enjoy true silence,” I think, just before an aftershock sets off hundreds of car alarms…
Jobs I’d be shit at:
-brain surgeon
-rocket scientist
-ventriloquist
-goat herder
-sober person thingy
It’s an honour @thefunnytweeter – – thank you.
God said: ‘Let there be Satan, so people don’t blame everything
on me. And let there be lawyers, so people don’t blame everything on Satan”