If your wife walks in and turns the light on while you’re staring at the ceiling, make sure you yell “My eyes!” BEFORE she starts changing
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I can’t get her off my mind, even the wind seems to whisper her name. Never fall in love with a girl named WHOOSHEE FFREWERRREFSHH.
Women hate it when you call them ma’am or sleep with their friends.
i don’t trust someone who says their ideal date is a “hike”
Yes, yes, his usual hard boiled egg cut, please.
Angel: Awww babies are so cute!
God: Make them scream
Angel: W-why?
God: DO I TELL YOU HOW TO DO YOUR JOB CARL?
I was one of the crew members on the Lost series. Don’t worry, you’re not alone, nobody on the crew understood the ending either.
*smoke detector chirps*
me*takes battery out*
*chirp*
me*cuts wires*
*chirp*
me*smashes it with a hammer*
*chirp*
wife:We have more than one
SWAT: give up the hostages
RICK ASTLEY[holding a gun to my head]: you know I can’t do that
The writing is on the wall, or on my teen’s arm because I needed to write down a number and couldn’t find a piece of paper.
There is actually a grim reaper for every species. The mantis reaper is the coolest and the scariest and she doesn’t even have to use a scythe.
Me: Ew, what sort of shop is this? It just sells dead birds?
My cat: Pick out whatever you want, birthday boy. It’s on me.
i know a guy who loves saying “best thing since sliced bread” and i imagine hes always at a grocery store lookin at bread and just losing it
[first date]
me: so, what’s your biggest fear?
her: snakes. i hate snakes
me: (whispering to the mongoose in my vest pocket): she’s the one
Bad joke of the day:
How do dog catchers get paid?
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By the pound.
if i finally fell asleep and a ghost woke me up to show me my past, i’d kill them again
animation is NOT for kids. animation is for nobody. drawings have no business moving like that
“The Perfect Relationship”
im about to go on a date. im sure it will be perfectly normal and wont go viral or anything…
Pretty weird that a hamster I had for three months at the age of six plays such an important role in my adult life as a part of my online banking security protocol
ME: I did it! I finished that project!
IMMUNE SYSTEM: good job!
ME: time for a nice break
IMMUNE SYSTEM: me too
ME: haha yeah
ME: wait
When my wife sends me to the grocery store solo with a specific list I am not allowed to improvise. That was made clear when I got home.
How many cops does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, they just beat the room for being black.
*drops mic, gets beat by security*
“Open Mike Night” sounded like a lot of fun until I realised I’d been invited to an autopsy.
If necessary, pouring pickle juice into the coffee maker makes a house uninviting to 99% of house guests.
[at the mechanic]
me: my car makes a funny noise. listen..
mechanic: that’s the horn
According to the 25th Amendment, if the President is incapacitated, the Vice President becomes the executive producer of “The Apprentice.”
I left a note for my kids this morning to put my clothes in the dryer. Next time, I’ll have to be a little more specific and add START THE DRYER TOO!!!
Sometimes my 5yo asks profound questions and other times he asks me if our garbage bin is big enough to fit a whole cow
Much like a fairy tale princess I will sit here and wither away until some man somewhere is brave enough to bring me soup.
NURSE: ur concerned about ur patient huh? Youve been pacing in circles for 10 mins
DR DOG: haha no im just trying to find a spot to lie down