Me: when I say WAF you say FLES, WAF—
My kids: so is breakfast almost ready or what, you’re literally killing us
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do not take my piercings out for my funeral or i WILL be back
Some people come into your life for a reason.
Like for target practice.
Does anything good ever escape from a lab
I can relate to Alice in Wonderland. She just keeps randomly eating and drinking with the hope that it might magically solve her problems.
The craziest thing about teaching is how you will straight up meet doppelgangers of previous students. Choking back telling them to get outta here. I taught you already
(Musicians.)
Even the great philosophers made mistakes. Aristotle, for example, believed that groove was in the brain.
Harsh but true birthday card from my parents
if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run
“Of course the water feels harder at higher speeds. The molecules have to separate.”
[You wish the chemist to whom you are married watched the Olympic diving trials just for the pretty girls. But when do you ever get what you want?]
Captain hook: hi do you have any quite big gloves? maybe a bit piratey, nothing weird
sales assistant: oh not you again
[looking at pics]
Where’s that?
-Hawaii
Where’s that?
-Jamaica
Daddy where was I?
-You weren’t born
Why’s the folder called ‘Good Ole Days’?
It’s unfortunate that our feet can’t taste things because there’s so much potential in flavored socks and crocs.
Look, lady: Your boyfriend can either read Roman numerals or understand emojis, but you can’t have both.
is it possible to write a slack bot that will automatically replace “huddle” with “cuddle” as a fun prank?
the answer is yes, yes of course. The good folks at HR heard about it and now they want to see me! gonna cuddle with them first thing tomorrow. what fun.
Does a hot bath tighten the virginia?
Nobody:
NASA scientists: the moon’s wet!
Me: I’ve never played football but I have been clotheslined by a telephone cord.
My kids: What’s a telephone cord?
It’s weird that on this date in Back to the Future they didn’t show people incessantly posting about Back to the Future.
[1st time on phone with a girl]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomachIt’s so cute that you’re nervous
[eating 2nd bowl of butterflies] huh?
I didn’t see a single avenger die when Obama was president
My 2yo was running an ice cream parlor out of his bedroom. I ordered chocolate but he insisted I get strawberry. After I paid he snatched the ice cream back and then ate it, not once breaking eye contact.
He’s going to be a terrible business owner.
But an incredible mob boss.
Gordon Ramsey getting ready for bed: Wet the toothbrush. Salt, fresh pepper. Toothpaste on. Delicious
The fastest way to teach a kid to ride a bike is to strap their feet to the pedals and chase them with broccoli.
gonna open a bar called “well, actually” and any time someone utters that phrase they have to buy everyone in the place a round of well shots
Does anyone know a good locksmith? I spent the entire day cleaning the entire house and need to keep my family out.
people say they’re “over the moon” when they’re happy, but it’s a lie; the moon is one of those things you will never truly get over
ME What’s a penguins favourite relative? Aunt Arctica!
PENGUIN . .
ME [makes flies over head motion]
PENGUIN I don’t know what that means
Salt and pepper shakers add an air of mystique to any bathroom
Flex on houseplants by drinking water whenever you want