“Let’s check in with Ted our correspondent in the field.”
Ted: “Hey Bob I’ve been in this field for about an hour, and I’m super bored.”
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Me: Hey guys! What did Dad serve for dinner while I was gone?
My kid: (with a blue mouth) chicken nuggets and Play Doh
People immediately behave better in traffic once they notice the Elf on the Shelf tied to my grille.
The Canadian authorities should bring in Billy Joel for questioning.
Ladies, if you think being clumsy is cute, I once stabbed my date in the gums with a fork trying to feed her a bite of spaghetti
Teen boys either use a whole can of axe body spray or none at all. There’s no in between.
Fun new prank: Walk into a busy restaurant and call out the name of a rare Pokémon.
“You’re a HORRIBLE parent!”
– my daughter because I won’t let her use a chainsaw to make a treehouse.
“I’m so sorry about your grandma passing away. If there’s anything I can do, just name it.”
“How are your resurrecting skills?”
Fun Fact:
If you answer your phone, “Christ speaking”, 70% of the callers will hang up on you.
You’re welcome.
Flipping TV channels and seeing The Good Doctor and The Good Wife. I wonder…who’s been Bad?
WIFE: How do you feel about Hawaiian pizza?
ME, sipping my pineapple spice latte: I think you know
♫ Hey cow
You’re an all star
You are grain fed
No hay
Hey cow
You are ground down
Graded U.S.
D.A. ♫
[ocean’s 11 music]
So here’s the plan,we iron me flat, then slide me into an ATM via the card slot. Once inside, it’s a cash playground boys
i feel like nothing is gonna happen to twitter idk i just always felt like this app would be here surviving at the end of the world like a cockroach
So unfair that I’m banned from Target. The sign said I could take three items into the dressing room and didn’t say one couldn’t be cake.
“stop making a mountain out of a molehill” I don’t even know what that means Bethany maybe see a dermatologist
Just heard Justin Bieber vowed not to return to the UK after his disastrous tour here.
Well done the UK. Well done.
When I’m dead, I’m going to haunt offices and say, “OooOoo… why are you using your mouse?… hit Control-C… you’re taking forever…”
You can still be mysterious after over sharing cause in that moment everyone is thinking “why would she say that”
Me: You say all the right things.
Her: I didn’t say anything.
Me: Shhh Don’t ruin this for me.
“I knew Jesus when he was just a carpenter.”
-the first hipster
The one closest to the sky is most likely to get eaten by the pterodactyl.
The casinos are closed, so get your gambling fix by ordering groceries online.
Good Cop: You’re going away for a long time, buddy.
NFL Cop: Don’t listen to him. Two games, tops.
Camping? Like sleeping with my bedroom window open?
Just by looking into someone’s eyes, you can tell if they have eyes
My third bottle of wine was able to “breathe” for a few hours when I opened it at 3am and passed out on the floor.
Okay with female deers & drops of golden sun. But always felt that “La” deserved a better identity than “a note to follow So”
Taking a break from my mental health to focus on Twitter
I still see some of my ex-girlfriends. Well, not so much see, more like…watch.