Oh man almost forgot the trash
*takes trash out, a nice little sushi place*
This is great
*sees wife there with the recycling*
WHAT THE HELL
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Whenever someone is about to tell me about their day, I just cover my ears and yell “SPOILER ALERT!”
[trapped in the trunk of a car]
him: hey what’s up
me: *forgets why I called* lol not much
Fell asleep in the Natural History Museum again, now everybody thinks I’m an exhibit
I wonder if serial killers ever leave their knives on the edge of the sink in case they may want to commit two murders.
College goes from 0 to 100 so fast. You go from just hanging out for a few weeks then all of a sudden you have 4 exams 5 quizzes 6 speeches and 7 papers due in 2 days
T-Rex: I got stabbed by this huge Triceratops!
Doctor: How big were its horns?
T-Rex: *struggling to widen his arms*
Doctor: Just a baby then. You’ll be fine.
Paris Hilton is worried ISIS will target her because she’s famous. Paris Hilton doesn’t realize that ISIS didn’t exist in 2004.
If I refer to myself as, “sauced up,” it probably just means I have honey, BBQ and ranch to dip my nuggets in.
I only look at Wordle for the articles
Ok why even have a pool if you can’t do ANYTHING in it
I need my shit together like those people who match their wrapping paper to their Christmas tree.
I’d like to see the dollar store get a liquor license.
Types of shit:
1) Awe
2) Jack
3) Knee deep in
5) Holy
6) Dip
7) Full of
8) Bull
9) Piece of
10) Happens
11) I don’t give a
lost another rap battle bc i couldn’t rhyme anything with arthritis
Wife: I won’t ask again, take the trash out!
Me: OK, ok. I’m doing it!
[3 days later]
W: Can you take the trash out?
M: No way!
W: *angry* I beg your pardon?
M: *shrugging* You promised you’d never ask me again
W: I despise you
Gang initiations from the Midwest be like “you have to eat the entire potato salad”
I have this really hot fantasy about having sex in…
… my lifetime.
If people ever criticize you for being too short, they are literally saying that the worst thing about you is that there isn’t more of you.
My wife wants to rent a wood chipper next weekend, in case I suddenly stop tweeting,
Why is it then when things are going well we say everything is “peachy”? What elevated the peach above all other fruits to define itself as all that is good? What did it do to deserve such an accolade?
I see you peach, and I’m watching
Even when I change my mind, it still doesn’t work any better.😁
Job interview…
Interviewer “On your CV, it says that you are a man of mystery.”
“That’s correct.”
“Would you like to elaborate?”
“No.”
Why’d they call it a catapult and not an over the shoulder boulder holder?
[first date]
HER: I love to learn
ME: (trying to impress her) I spent two extra years in high school
When your friends are on their phones, but you ran out of things to check
Is it just me, or have KFCs started getting too picky with their ‘no shoes, no shirt, no service’ policy…?
my ears are currently carrying sunglasses, headphones, and a face mask. ears are a purse
Me: you’re my first customer so forgive me if I’m slow
Bank robber: you’re doing great buddy
How confused about the world are you right now, on a scale of 0 to “trying to figure out a friend’s shower”
As it turns out, ‘harder’ is a terrible safe word