My neighbor once told me when I straightened my hair I looked like Jennifer Aniston, two days later he was taken away in a straight jacket. I think about that a lot.
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WHY ARE WE ALLOCATING EMERGENCY AID FOR THE ARTS?
Screamed by people who have been watching Netflix, reading books, and playing video games for 18 hours/day.
Gotye is just somebody that we used to know.
I’m really trying to care about this Queen dying but she didn’t even put out any good songs
Colleagues who feel the need to say “You either love me or hate me!” are oblivious to the fact that it’s always the latter.
If your drinking story doesn’t involve law enforcement, I’m not listening.
“The powder |
“The pow|
“The power |
“The power of Cheese |
“The power of Ch|
“The power of Christ compels you!”– The AutocorrExorcist
I heard a landline ring the other day and I legit thought it was a fire alarm
Penguin 1: Let’s stay in tonight.
Penguin 2: I didn’t dress like this to stay home.
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish
“Welcome to D.A.D.D.D.S. Dads Against Dads Doing Dumb Shit. Repeat after me.”
[whole room] “AFTER ME”
“Ok fellas, lets start here”
When she said “I think we got way too much pizza.” I knew I Finally had my chance to shine, to be the hero.
That first coffee be like oh you’re awake HA just kidding.
Coworker: crazy weather we’re having
Me: [as loud as possible] SHARON FOR THE LAST TIME I WILL NOT KILL YOUR HUSBAND FOR A BAG OF REDVINES
Welp, I just ran my car off the road. I was doing the “We Will Rock You” beat with my hands and forgot I don’t have a self-driving car
There is a drunk woman on the tube throwing After Eights at everyone and, in the most British way possible, everyone is pretending they aren’t being hit on the head by tiny chocolatey squares (which hurts by the way) and not looking at anyone else in the eye.
Internet Explorer: so about last night
Me: Oh, i used you for flash.
IE: Are we back together, am i your default?
Me: don’t make this weird
Found my cat’s phone, just hundreds of photos of me sleeping. Weird.
Are you a sane person, or did you just ask a mannequin for directions to another department?
Bread bowls are not dishwasher safe. I know that now.
I want to open a shelter for neglected and forgotten passwords.
They’re saying I put a stuffed animal in the toilet. Untrue. I sent it on a mission to retrieve my toy cars.
Wrong Way Do Not Enter seems like a weird name for a street.
i like how ppl mess with ouija boards then are all like omg why are demons trying to eat my soul like you did this to yourself bro.
O: put your seatbelt on, honey
o: i will, mom
O: you ready?
ø: yes
doctor: drugs have destroyed your body
me: you should see the other guy
doctor: what other guy
me: only i can see him
You know, one day auto correct will completely collapse, and that day will be gloria’s!!
Can’t leave this facebook group because someone has raccoons living under their bathtub and now I’m invested in how it plays out
I wear lipstick when I go into Walmart so people know I’m not approachable or one of their kind
Parents should get hazard pay for sleeping in the same bed with a toddler
Cow Scientist: Sir, we’ve discovered a deadly aMOOOba infecting our milk. It has a very high MOOOtality rate and it’s rapidly MOOOtating
Cow President: *grimly* Holy cow