Do you need a glass of water?
No???
You sure? You seem a little salty…
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While we’re on the subject….
*throws your homemade scone out the window and breaks a windshield*
Imagine if dogs giggled when you tickled them.
STUDENT: what’s it like being drunk?
TEACHER: see those 6 desks? A drunk person would see 12.
STUDENT: there are only 3 desks.
My cousin is pregnant. The baby will be my first cousin, once removed.
I know a horrible idea when I see it.
My family’s dull. All through his teens my brother had his head buried in a book before dad exhumed it & reattached to the rest of his body.
Every time I swallow food coloring, I dye a little bit on the inside.
Dog: I don’t get it
Me: What don’t you get?
Dog: Just go over it again
Me: This is MY food and that is YOUR food
Dog: *tilts head* What?
nfts were less about the money and more about the friends you scammed along the way.
I seriously want my vet to be my primary care physician
My kid has been sneaking tv in the morning and got mad at me today when I caught him like “you didn’t tell me you were coming down the stairs!” Gee sorry I didn’t give you more time to plan your deception buddy
This surgeon yelling at me in the physician’s lounge. He thinks I’m a med student. I’m just gonna keep letting him yell at me and then put on my attending hospitalist badge, say “ok then” and leave.
Despite being terrified of alligators, I’ve taken a job at the Florida Everglades just so I can tell people I’ve been swamped at work all week.
If you say “no ifs, ands, or buts”, then get ready for a shitload of “shoulds”, “as well as”, and “howevers”.
Never mess with a drunken pig.
Cop: you know why I pulled you over?
Me: cause you wanted to see how tall I am?
C: step out of the car, sir.
Me: see, I told ya.
I like to torture my kids by buying them a new Xbox game, and then taking them to the zoo all day.
HR: We need to see you for a moment
Me: Is this about the nail clipping?
He: Yes. It’s our understanding that Linda did not ask you to trim her nails
Them: Do any vampires die in this movie?
Me: No it’s pretty low stakes.
[After losing a rap battle]
“How did he get a hold of my credit score?”
Quarantine, day 14. Me and my boyfriend spent the whole day setting up an art gallery for our gerbil.
Why do they call it alcoholics anonymous if you introduce yourself?
I hope people think my toddler has a slight English accent bc we’re so cultured and not bc she’s basically been raised by Peppa Pig
WIFE: You’re embarrassing, ridiculous and an ill informed pseudo intellectual.
ME: “Your”
Them: if lemonade has real lemons in it, do you think gatorade has actual gators in it?
Me: *drinking poisonade* oh shit
[The Cheesecake Factory]
*looking at menu*
Alan Rickman voice: Turn to page 394.
Her: You should have someone follow you around with a book of matches.
Me: Because I’m on fire with all these jokes? My sense of humor is lit?
Her:
Me:
Her: Sure, let’s go with that.
had a weird insomnia so i put on a movie (Interstellar). i loved it. it made me cry twice and gave me the chills once but it absolutely didn’t help me sleep
Plot twist: This time the dog opens the door and I run away.
Me: We’re well stocked with the necessities, let’s not waste food
What my kids hear: Yayy let’s eat, every hour, like it’s a cruise buffet