[Jesus breaks bread]
This is my body[Jesus pours wine]
This is my blood[Jesus brings out Alex Trebek]
and THIS. IS. JEOPARDY.
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[meeting with financial advisor] ok so how does money work
Son: what are electric eels?
Me: eels but electric
Son: are there other electric animals?
Me, looking at the cat & the toaster: not yet
“The house always wins,” muttered Dorothy as she stared at the witch’s crushed body.
Especially if it’s THAT one … 🤣
*performs sax solo*
Whoops, typo.
*performs sex, solo*
I came back from the grocery store with a bag of fresh vegetables and when my wife asked what I’d bought I said it was a bag full of good intentions
#TakeMyAdvice Don’t let Mom trim your hair.
Little kids only want to be independent when you’re running late.
It’s that time of year when the neighbors start longing for winter days because they’re tired of seeing me at the mailbox in my drawers.
Oh sorry I can’t right now. I’m imagining some things and worrying about them
How come we never describe an arsonist as someone who lit up a room?
My book group read “Ventriloquism for Dummies” this month. We met in the living room, but it sounded like we were in the kitchen.
any time someone sends me an email with “best regards” i reply with “bester regards” so they know i take my job seriously
what did I do this weekend? saw 50 Shades Darker & coughed through the whole movie on purpose
On March 17th, 1992, I asked my parents for directions to a restaurant in Brooklyn. As of 7:30 this evening, they’re still arguing about it.
WebMD on April Fools: You’re fine
“Uh-oh!”
– My toddler, looking me dead in the eye while he feeds his dinner to the dog
Between my education and helping four children with their homework, I’ve studied approximately 27 years of Algebra.
son is fuming bc his sister is staying home from school AGAIN. he just opened her door and said “and here’s the liar in her natural habitat”
Taking the day off to brush up on conspiracy theories and really get this thanksgiving party started.
A baby is 75% water. So if I walked on babies I’d be 75% Jesus. #SolidLogic
London friend is complaining about a 10 minute wait for a tube while I, a non-Londoner, sit here waiting for the rail replacement horse
So apparently I’ve been Googling ‘Asian Prom’ this whole time.
I watched like seven videos before I realized they weren’t going to bang.
Wearing a pretty new bra today that nobody else is gonna see, so everytime I go to the bathroom, I flash myself in the mirror.
A hug and slap are both powerful but not everyone deserves a hug.
I just got really sad thinking about Voldemort trying to enjoy a nice day at the beach but his sunglasses won’t stay on his face
Divide and conquer? Ok. *opens calculator app*
I hate my earbuds.
Hot neighbor (limping): I slipped and fell on my bedroom floor this morning
Me: Haha, I saw that
Her: What?
Me: What?
Matt Lauer lost his job.
Charlie Rose lost his job.
Mark Halperin lost his job.
Glenn Thrush lost his job.
Billy Bush lost his job.
Harvey Weinstein lost his job.
Kevin Spacey lost his job.
But in politics…
Conyers still in Congress.
Moore still running.
Trump still President.