PIERRE GASLY WHAT IS THIS ????
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i may not be eating healthily rn but am i sleeping well? also no.
A family friend recently died, and it got me thinking. Today I’m going to collect all the money people owe me before it’s too late.
probably should have split this into two separate stories guys
Personal trainer: What’s your goal?
Me :To pet all the dogs…
Trainer:No your fitness goal
Me: To run fast enough to pet all the dogs
interviewer: how did u hear about us
me: *sweating* w-with my ears
Have your children help with daily chores if you want them to gain confidence and self efficacy also if want to accomplish nothing and go clinically insane.
*wakes up in cold sweat*
SHOULDN’T ELEVATORS BE CALLED SOMETHING ELSE ON THE WAY DOWN?
Pretty sure I know what my wife’s getting me for my birthday cause when I guessed, “A 3-way?” she got all angry like I ruined the surprise.
Is it considered rude to ask your boss if it hurt when the house fell on her in The Wizard of Oz?
I’m not sure what my wife thinks I do in the bathroom, but I appreciate all her support
“Today, my son asked “Can I have a book mark?” and I burst into tears. 11 years old and he still doesn’t know my name is Brian.”
Please don’t leave me to my own devices. They’re all out of batteries
People criticise me for chasing squirrels in the park but I trust my dog
[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
Relationship status: the extended car warranty guy told me to stop calling him.
Today my 12 year old went back into a room to switch off a light, so never give up on your dreams
The only way I’d want to watch a video of you pouring a bucket of ice water over your head is if you promise you drown at the end.
Who called it ‘my foot’s asleep’ and not ‘comatoes’
[making tennis equipment at 3AM]
neighbor: shut up you’re making a racket
alien: these are your ancestors?? lmfaooo 💀😂😂
[shows me a video of a monkey jumpin around goin ooh ooh ah ah]
me: [getting really defensive] that was a long time ago. turn that off
me: *goes outside during the day* why is the moon is so spicy
Cheerleaders are there to tell you that your team needs to score more points & the name of your team in case you forget at any given moment
The good thing about being tall is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.
The bad thing is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.
Me: I spy with my little eye something beginning with i
Other Titanic lookout: hmmm
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Stop clicking your pen when you talk to me Kevin
I swear I will murder your face with my tape dispenser
Sad that Batman’s never seen a PG movie b/c he never had parental guidance
Caesar: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus: We told you not to wear Crocs.
[1773]
“Your majesty, last night some angry colonists dumped our tea into the Boston Harbor”
*three English ladies faint*
WTF THIS MEANS WAR
Bury me with my old records. It will be my vinyl resting place.