Her: Who ate all the ice cream?
Me: *blaming the dog* Reese
Her: What? How?
Me: Witherspoon
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The Tooth Fairy plants all of those teeth as evidence
The valet at the park washroom isn’t wearing pants, should I tip more or less
[Taken 26]
Abductor: I have your great granddaughter
LIAM NEESON: I literally died 12 years ago
I bet Lance Armstrong is smugly saying “at least I didn’t kill anybody” to like every person he sees today.
mother: I just threw up a little in my mouth
baby birds: yay! dinner time
Quit smoking.
Quit playing loud music.
Quit trying to makeout with me while I’m driving.– things my BF and Uber driver say to me
This gratitude journal looks a lot like a grocery list.
People who go jogging, you realise we have cars now, right?
This trial is so absurd 😭
Kicked out of the aquarium for trying to sneak in a big straw
Have you ever met someone that was like the human form of slow WiFi?
what idiot named them vampires instead of hemogoblins. pretend it’s ten years ago. enjoy yourself
I seem pretty put together for a grown woman who imagines she’s traveling through a wormhole each time she pulls a turtleneck over her head.
Me: I’m so emotional today
8 ice cream sandwiches: We can help!
People who bend down to pick up a thread instead of running over it with the vacuum 37 times, what’s it like to exercise?
[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]
i never understood why we had to blow on the nintendo cartridge before eating it
According to my bank account, I’m Rich!
Rich Anderson, the name of the man whose identity I stole.
What’s the opposite of coffee?
Sneezy.
My toddler has had a rough day. I gave her regular milk instead of chocolate and Peppa Pig didn’t oink enough
[invention of cap’n crunch]
satan: give them sugar croutons
My favourite school memory?
One time we were talking about different olive oils and the teacher asked what does extra virgin mean and everyone turned to look at me.
From a distance, I look like a regular dude. Up close I look like Picasso painted Nicolas Cage.
[phone]
Me: Oh wow I love your voice
Her: Thanks!
Me: And your accent is so cool, are you from the south?
Her: Good guess!
Me: Oh yeah I love it down there, the weather, the food!
Her: Me too! It’s the best!
Me: It really is
Her: Anyway what’s your emergency
Me: I’ve been stabbed
[parade]
Dad: son, when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten, and the damned? Will you defeat them your demons and all the non-believers?
Me, 6 years old: do I have to answer now or
With the proper diet and lack of exercise, you can turn any jeans into skinny jeans.
Allow me to play for you the song of my people
*Sound of chip bag opening*
I accidentally texted my wife with voice recognition…while playing the trombone
My husband said we should have one date night each month. I said, “Great! I’ll take Johnny Depp. Who do you want?”
Nobody likes the girl who brings the acoustic guitar guy to the party.