[séance]
Medium: I feel a male presence coming through
Me: I want to get in touch with my late husband
Medium: His name is Tim?
Me: No, Luke. May I use your phone? He was supposed to be here 20 minutes ago
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I’m not arguing with anyone who has their own picture as their lock screen. I stepped out of line and I apologize.
I’m in that magical stage of parenting where I don’t need to change diapers or carry baby gear but I also don’t have to deal with teenage problems yet and my kids still think I’m smart and funny…how do I stay here???
INTERVIEWER: why did you leave your last job?
ME: they stopped putting Kit Kats in the break room vending machine
dm room: tell your dad we say happy birthday!
Me: dad, my internet friends say happy birthday
Dad: internet people aren’t real friends
Me: *to dm room* he says thanks
Me: one mcflurry please
Cashier: the machine is down
Me: awe then one for the machine too
My 10 yo is talking to me past 9 pm. Why is he attacking me like this?
If bras are called over the shoulder boulder holders then panties should be named under the hip lip grippers.
Sometimes I feel like I’m cheating on my recliner with my loveseat, in case you were wondering how emotionally invested I am in laziness.
Wife: We need a new fridge.
Me: This is a terrible day.
Wife: You can use the old fridge as a beer fridge.
Me: This is the best day of my life.
earth is the only habitable planet in the solar system. wow. feeling very lucky that it’s the one i was born on
Dumbo sounds like a good idea until you think about how much poop a flying elephant would drop
This day in history. 1961. In Spain the fascist government of Generalissimo Francisco Franco declared equal rights for women and men. None.
tony soprano is my role model because he’s always lightly sweating and yet still highly respected by his peers
The audacity of my parents’ oldies station now playing 80s music.
Apparently it’s “not normal” to ask a guy his blood type or how healthy his organs are
Not to brag, but I think I’d make a good poster child for population control
LOL SO my hospital made us sign in via a virtual survey for our orientation day and they had a question “what is your ‘why’ you’re a healthcare worker” and I put “paycheck” and I DIDNT KNOW THEY WOULD LATER PUT ALL OUR ANSWERS ON THE POWERPOINT
When we go back to in-person office meetings, I’m going to start out by soundlessly moving my lips until people yell at me, just for continuity.
[New printer]
Align printer *prints page*
Clean printhead *prints page*
Print this test page *prints page*Ink low, replace cartridges
It’s tough getting user casket reviews
OMG, he’s almost here.
How’s my hair?
My clothes?
How do I look?(knock, knock)
He’s here!!!!
I’m so excited!*My pizza delivery guy.
Why does George Zimmerman keep popping up every 6 months or so? Is he the McRib?
9-year-old: *swings an umbrella*
Me: That’s not a toy.
9: I know. It’s a weapon.
SPIN INSTRUCTOR: you can do this, you just have to want it
ME, NOT EATING ICE CREAM SANDWICHES IN BED: neat. what’s another way?
My dog: Look, they were over baked. Sooo, you’re welcome.
I loved Saint Patrick’s day in Boston it was like if everyone got a concussion during the purge. One year I lost my keys in a pub and a guy gave me one of his keys to make me feel better
Friend: “Any plans this weekend?”
Me: “I’m going to Alcoholics Unanimous.”
Friend: “I think you mean ‘Anonymous’.”
Me: “Nope.”
Me: hear me out— a food truck that sells crab related products called “Crab and Go”
Gordon Ramsey: why are you in my bathtub
Person: “I hate geology puns.”
Me: “My sediments exactly.”
her: did you know Weezer covered Africa
me: [impressed] with what