Before I take a shower: I hate it in there, the wet world is a bad place
While in the shower: I remember now that this is a good place, it is the dry world that is the enemy
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Signed up for the gym because I heard about leg day and hoped I’d pick up a new leg. But all that happened was that it made my remaining leg ache for two days.
she kept her secret snacks under the false bottom of a vintage hat box behind the old hoover vacuum in the guest bedroom closet…amateur
My husband put a few of his items in my luggage. I can’t believe after 31 years I am still dealing with this shit. It’s like he has no idea how selfish I am.
My wife really is the sunshine of my life.
Too bad I’m a vampire.
*Husband using Ouija board after I’ve died*
Please answer me
*arrow moves*
“It’s on the top shelf. Right there. RIGHT THERE! Use your eyes!”
6yo: chicken is good for you. but not so good for the chicken
😳
Years ago I went to a job placement agency.
I left disappointed.
Apparently nobody offers temp work as an astronaut.
*gets summoned to the spider court*
YOU ARE HEREBY CHARGED WITH THE CRUSHING OF 4 SPIDERS
HOW DO YOU PLEAD?
*places glass over spider judge*
The Canadian military is just a guy named Ross with a flare gun in an aluminum boat.
Good news: My son cleaned his room
Bad news: He found his harmonica
I like to sleep naked, I love the feeling of the sheets against my skin.
On an unrelated note I’m not allowed in Ikea anymore
Girl if the moon can block the sun, then you can definitely block your ex
If you see my account doing wild or out-of-character things, no worries. It’s not me, I routinely rent it out as an Airbnb
the famous shower scene in Psycho is crazy. she turns on the water & just let’s it hit her in the face before testing it with her hand first
Oh no, I’m taking the entire package of snacks with me when I go back to the couch.
Just misread a headline ‘Trump wins big’ as ‘Trump bins wig’. I thought: ‘about time too’.
Father, pardon, excuse, exonerate, absolve, acquit, forgive me, for I have synonymed.
*death metal voice*
BUTTERRRRRR
“Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there,” we chant. Another agent appears inside the pentagram and screams. The dark lord feasts tonight.
when I say “I want a boyfriend” I mean that I want to magically wake up one day in a peaceful and balanced 5 year relationship, not that I want to date or meet people or put in the effort towards making it a tangible reality
Hangovers only happen to people who stop drinking.
[zoo]
ME: Haha…this one’s face!
WIFE: Tha-
M [bangs on glass]
W: Stop it
M [pulls funny face]
W [elbows me aside] So sorry, 2 tickets pls
I guess somewhere around the age of 12 it became my turn to go on the computer, and it still is. my turn just didn’t end. more than a decade later I’m still here, on the computer
People tend to overreact when they look in their rear view mirror & see you sitting in their backseat dressed like a clown.
someone is getting married down the street from me and their wedding geofilter works at my house
I tripped going up the escalator and fell down the stairs for like 20 minutes.
How to become a Saint
1: Become Catholic
2: Live an exemplary and pious life
3: Perform at least two miracles
Or…Just Be Kanye’s baby