Things Stephen King books taught me to be afraid of:
-dogs
-cars
-storm drains
-hotels
-the street
-writers
-little girls
-the prom
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*blowing up your phone at 3am*
I get it now. Skeletor is the hot one. Not He-Man.
Day 4 of social distancing.. My husband just challenged my kids to a Tic Tac battle (aka TikTok) .. dear god help us all.
today i imagined a fleetwood mac cover band called meatwood flack and then made my brain apologize
DAD: Hugh, please. It’s a perfectly fine name. Stop complaining.
HUGH J’DISAPPOINTMENT: It’s not my first name I’m upset about.
Took an exam on ancient Persian culture.
I passed with flying carpets.
Aquarius: Your career is moving forward this week. Not with you, of course. Wave to it as it drives away in a new Lamborghini.
I wish catalog models could do one pose with bad posture, looking awkward and self-conscious, so I’d know how the outfit would look on me
Should have let Marvel produce 2020.
I’m not saying I was a gullible child but my sister once gave me a pair of scissors and said our grandma needed me to trim the carpet in her bedroom.
sorry but who wants to search “price: high to low”
*appears in puff of smoke at a public pool*
“Warning, what you’re about to see may shock you!”
Hey! What are y-
*touches live wire to water*
How software testing works
When planning dinner, remember that ice cream has both calcium and protein
Therapist: So what steps can you take to break your people-pleasing habits?
Me: Ask my mother what she wants me to do?
Therapist: No.
Me: Sorry. Are you mad at me?
I like to pretend that the dog follows me everywhere because she’s my biographer and not because she just wants food
So Ive started a sarcasm club.
It would mean the world to me if you joined.
a bat optometrist making me yell down a hallway
Magicians on Star Trek be like Picard, any card
Once a guy leaned into kiss me and I panicked and flicked him. Then he was like DID YOU JUST- DID YOU? FLICK? ME
And I laughed so hard I cried
So yeah! I’m great at dating
ME: *sees a puppy*
BRAIN: Your backpack could fit a puppy.
Wife: “You want to come upstairs?”
Me: “Hell yes!”
Wife: “I was talking to the dog.”
I never have road rage, but if you have crooked bumper stickers, it’s on.
Girls on Facebook call it, “The Walk of Shame.”
Girls on Twitter call it, “The Strut of Satisfaction”
JUDGE: your sentence will last for 5 years
ME: I can’t speak that slowly
BAND: How’s everyone doing tonight!!
[crowd goes nuts]
ME (standing in the middle, normal voice): Ok I guess. Kinda tired.
Therapist: What brings you to couples counseling?
Husband: [rolls eyes] My wife says I “exclude her.”
Therapist: Where is your wife by the way?
30 seconds staring confused at the calculator app before realizing why my phone wasn’t calling the number I dialed.
ME: I don’t want to die, but I’m not 100% certain that I wanna be alive, either. I just wish there was a third option.
BEARS: What if I told you that you could nap straight through part of the year?
Oh, man. My grandma caught me texting my OTHER grandma and now things are super tense.
My husband kept me up last night playing Call of Duty on his phone, so this morning I changed his ringtone to someone farting, and then called him repeatedly when he went to the gym.