My mom’s favorite part of Mother’s Day is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.
You Might Also Like
Saw the eye doctor, and that’s 90% of the vision test right there.
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
WAITER: is everything ok?
ME: could I get a spoon or something
Me: you say your dog’s a boxer?
Friend: yeah
Me: [eyes narrow] how does he lace his gloves up?
-Sir we found hot glue in her ears nose and mouth, seems she suffocated.
-Well whoever did this must be pretty….crafty.
-Go to hell sir.
5: *comes in room* hey old lady
Me: *looks around*
5: *looks me in the eye* hey old lady
Me: *packages him up in Amazon box and puts outside for collection*
Somewhere out there, there must be a toddler who has eaten all of their dinner after only being asked once. I want to believe.
Our new washing machine sends a text when wet laundry is ready for the dryer. I guess what I’m saying is this appliance is a snitch.
God: you’re a bird.
Penguin: yay!
God: but you can’t fly.
Penguin: why?
God: you need way more feathers to fly.
Penguin: oh. well that’s fair.
[flying squirrel glides by]
Penguin:
God: technically that’s not flying lol.
Him: My friend got me a Fitbit
Me: Oh yeah, heard of them, haven’t got one though
Him: You can buy them online
Me *whispering* you can buy friends online?!
Do kids eat more under quarantine?
Since we stocked the house with food, my son is taking to eating like he’s being personally challenged.
5: I’m going to hide my toys in this drawer.
Me: That’s where they go. It’s called “putting things away.”
Vin Diesel’s real first name is Vehicle Identification Number.
Cheer up! Your biggest mistake is probably still ahead of you.
My five year old keeps saying creditor when he means predator, and I can’t bring myself to correct him because tbh it works.
How to determine what party to vote for:
1) Calculate income
2) Divide by number of dependents
3) Subtract age
4) Download Game of War
I don’t know what my husband is planning on doing for me for Mother’s Day but I hope it’s the laundry.
@SchmuckOnAHorse “Dad, why is my sister named Teresa?”
“Because your Mom loves anagrams, and Teresa is an anagram of Easter, the day she was conceived.”
“Thanks, Dad.”
“No problem, Alan.”
If anyone wants to know how WWIII will actually start…. 🤣
So, according to my wife, Febrezing the dog is NOT the same as giving him a bath.
Apparently.
Doctor – “you’ve been bitten by a spider. Ever see that movie Spider-Man?”
Me – “no?”
Doctor – “and I’m afraid you never will. You’re dying”
Renting a billboard with the word MOIST in giant letters seems like a fantastic way to piss off a lot of people quickly.
Dude at Starbucks just left the crowded store and went “Bye everyone,” and every single person in that store said goodbye I literally just met the main character
“Compassionate capitalism” is when they use phrases like “I see you, I hear you, I feel you” before they begin the wage theft
Somebody better tell me what extortion means or I am going to start breaking kneecaps
“Hey Babe, wake up. We’re back in Louisiana.”
Cats can use their whiskers to navigate in the dark. I use my toes. And shins. And lots of cursing.
Twitter yesterday: We are outraged about the lion!
Twitter today: We are outraged about the outrage about the lion!
Man: I was always afraid of dying alone, so…thanks for being with me
Parachute instructor: PULL THE CORD PULL THE CORD!
My 6yo announced, “All I want is a mansion and a yacht. That’s not much. Just two things.”
JUST. TWO. THINGS.
Please stop telling dirty jokes at the office. It’s inappropriate, and you’re talking too softly for me to hear the punchlines.