Bout to have a wild Saturday night playing Diablo III with children til the wee hours (probably around 8pm)
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If you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses people will think you know what you’re talking about.
My wife has like 20% of a conversation in her head before she decides to bring me into it. We can be driving in silence and she’ll just be like “and then we’ll pick the kids up and go straight from there.”
[first date]
HER: So, do you like children?
ME: Oh sure, I’ll eat anything.
HER: What?
ME: What?
Never go to sleep after making me angry
me: tries to sleep.
clock: i think i’m going to karaoke in Morse code now.
advice: describing someone’s cupcakes as being “better than sex” is only a compliment if you aren’t sleeping with them
Interviewer: Why should we hire you?
Me: Well, if you hire me, I will make all of your other employees look FANTASTIC by comparison.
Dr: Does it hurt when I do this?
Me: Yes, a bit
Dr: And now?
Me: Yes, that’s very painful. Please stop showing me photos of you and my ex
Stop buying me complex technological devices that I have to go take a class to learn how to use just buy me a goat
me: man technology is scary af
black mirror: here are some more scary technological things you haven’t even thought of yet
You can tell I come from a long line of hunters the way I cunningly stalk the rare Totino’s Frozen Pizza.
Me: and now turning to slide 23, in conclusion I think we can all agree that this is not the outcome we were hoping for
Widow: *taking back microphone* how did you know my husband?
hotel guest: what room am I in?
me: this is the lobby
manager: can I talk to you
[kissing at a bar]
HER: wanna get out of here?
ME: (glances over at the menu and sees they have potato skins) not really
Danger is very dangerous
Sometimes when I’m feeling lonely, I head on over to Best Buy and pretend to know nothing about my phone.
He said he likes curvy women and what my man wants, my man gets
*eats 14th Oreo cookie*
ketchup is a weird flavor to do for a chip. just empty a ketchup bottle on a regular chip like the rest of us, bozo!
A candle with no wick, is just wax, but a wick with no wax, is just string.
What else… ummm… no, I guess that concludes my TED Talk.
Elon Musk & Grimes agreed to split custody of X Æ A-12 equally so somewhere a judge is trying to calculate X ÆA-12➗2
The moon’s water broke. You know what that means?
Baby Moon.
That 0.1% of bacteria that no household product can kill is what will inherit our earth
gently explaining to Cathy that in Canada you don’t open google maps and type “Tim Hortons” you just drive 3 minutes in literally any direction
“What’s the most important thing that is missing from your sex life?”
Me: A partner
You know what they say about a guy with big hands?
He can carry more cheeseburgers.
Pro Tip: Use candles to set a romantic mood.
Pro Tip Addendum: don’t set the romantic mood right by curtains.
Him: I like it when a girl growls at me
My stomach: *growls*
Him: not like that
Yet another thing they should’ve saw coming
It’s not the amount of followers young GRASSHOPPER.
It’s the quality of followers.