Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.
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German dominatrices: If you’re happy and you know it, clamp your Hans.
Him: why do you keep poking me ?
Her: I’m looking for the mute button
I just did my own taxes for the first time and I’m glad I did because I’m getting 8 million dollars back this year!
I call bullshit on vampires that look all sexy and shit when they can’t even see their reflection
Wife: Have you considered therapy?
Me: I’m glad you think so highly of my opinions, but I already have a career
Wife: *stabs me
“Dreadfully mediocre.”
“Astonishing lack of imagination.”
“Your child peaked at age 5.”
– why my friends no longer invite me to school plays
Why drive 6 minutes for food when I can order doordash for $93
triscuits is short for scuit scuit scuit
Anyone who can get the straw in the Capri Sun on the first try can make your death look like an accident.
Buzz: hey Neil where do cows come from?
Neil: I dunno where
Buzz: the moooon haha
..
..
*single gunshot*
Neil: uh Houston we have a problem
“Hey, boo”
– a casual ghost
I’d love to put a timer on how long it takes you to turn the conversation back to you but my stopwatch app doesn’t do tenths of a second.
trying to convince my wife to stop leaving out food for the scarecrow that ominously gets a little closer to the house each night
3: I DON’T NEED YOU!!
Me: *already booking 1 ticket to the Bahamas*
shrek the third may have not been as great as the other movies but this transition still gets me
Him: I won’t bore you with the details.
Me: Too late for that.
For a good party trick, drill a hole in the top of your medicine cabinet and fill it with marbles before you invite people over.
Rejected titles for “The Queen’s Gambit” (2020):
– Knights, Knights Baby
– Pawn Hub
– Mate Expectations
– Checks Mix
– Stop Staring at My Chess!
Me rushing back from the bathroom at 3 am so I dont lose any tiredness
Asking me for advice is like asking broccoli to fix your bicycle.
You know what goes great with helping your kid with math homework?
Vodka
Me: It’s easy. Just like a walk in the park.
Her: So, all the while, I’ll be dodging protestors, the homeless, and muggers?
I’m sorry that I’m canceling plans.
I made them last week when I assumed that, by now, I’d be a different person.
All amusement parks are abandoned amusement parks right now. The Scooby Doo crew must be overwhelmed.
I only look good from one angle and if someone could please tell me what that angle is I’d be grateful
“my god, that man is trying to snatch her purse!”
i’ll be RIGHT back
*ducks into phone booth**pops head out 5 mins later*
is he gone yet
we just got an unexpected parcel from my mother in law with a lovely set of iron windchimes and we could not figure out why on earth she’d sent us a gift so we rang her and turns out we both forgot it’s our anniversary tomorrow
If you want someone to sing 2 seconds before or after they’re supposed to then I’m your girl
me: I just don’t know what you see in me
X-ray tech: twelve ice cream sandwiches. Still in their foil wrappers
My 4YO said, “did you know some 10 year olds still have moms that are alive?” and I don’t know if this is just a random observation or a veiled threat.