looking for a buddy to go together on knuckle tats:
[P][E][R][S] [O][N][A][L]
[P][A][N][P] [I][Z][Z][A]
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I just learned that snails can sleep for 3 years at a time and it looks like I have a new spirit animal (sorry wombats)
Spoiler alert: The people who can’t believe your kid is in Kindergarten already won’t be able to believe they’re in any grade, any year ever
Me, reading some of your tweets
Don’t talk to me about hardship. You guys will never have to refold a road map.
I accidentally heated my Hot Pocket for 20:00 instead of 2:00 and now there’s a giant radioactive Hot Pocket in my apartment watching my tv
Me: I just need some time alone, please.
*closes door*– Ma’am, if you’re not trying on clothes, we’ll need you to leave the dressing room.
Maybe I only need some intents and purposes.
someone is getting married down the street from me and their wedding geofilter works at my house
Wasn’t trying to push all your buttons, but in my defense I was looking for mute.
I’ve got 99 chores but I ain’t done one. ~Lay-Z
*arrives late to the Time Management Skills meeting*
do you mean bf like best friend or boyfriend or bread festival
If you call me hysterical, you better mean funny cuz I keep my knives sharp.
“ICEBERG, RIGHT? A HEAD?”
– Cook on the Titanic, confirming salad ingredients
The freebie-jeebies
That feeling you get when someone creepy buys you a drink without asking.
dating a tall girl is cool until you make her mad at a picnic and she steps to the other side of the river
How far did I walk away from the sink when I was brushing my teeth? As always, too far.
Girl, are you a glass of water because I think you’re about to throw yourself at me.
one of the funniest things in the universe is lmfao making an album called “party rock”, followed by an album called “sorry for party rocking”, followed by them vanishing off of the face of the earth
You can tell a lot by a guy’s teeth.
For instance, if they’re three feet long, that’s no man; that’s a hippo.
i have never seen a chameleon in real life and i dont know if that means i havent or i have
Jesus: *picks up bread* this is my body
Jesus: *picks up wine* this is my blood
Jesus: *picks up eggplant* i think we allll know what this is lol yea
What’s the weirdest thing your co-workers believed?
Me: Co-worker thought H2O meant hot water and CO2 meant cold water
J: Co-worker thought they taught a real lizard to talk in the GEICO commercials
4-year-old: *looks at our pig* Which pig is she?
Me: What do you mean?
4: Is her house made of bricks or sticks?
Whoever put the ‘b’ in subtle was a clever bastard.
Huge, if true.
When the horse rides back into camp without the rider, it’s never good news, but no one ever suspects the horse.
[Breakup]
Her: We’re just different
Him: How?
Her: Well, you want to hike & camp
Him: And?
Her: And I want to be a cartoon on the internet
Him: Baby imma call you back, im in the middle of a shootout.
Her: Yea w.e, tell that bitch I said she can have you.
Me, when there’s an errand that lets me leave the house when everyone is acting crazy: