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doctor: the bad news is you’re dying
me: so there’s good news?
doctor: not for you, no
I’m fckn weak!!!!!! 💀
Just because you haven’t met the love of your life yet….yeah, no. I have nothing.
interviewer: “so what makes you think you’d be good at checking tickets at our cinema?”
me: [picks up my résumé and rips it a little bit]
idea: business cards that just say NO
Sir can I have 5 mins of ur [card]
Girl can I get ur number [card]
BRO DID U STEAL MY NO CARDS [card]
If god didn’t like sex, He wouldn’t make us scream His name when it’s really hot.
My friend (an X-ray tech) started dating a new guy and frankly I don’t know what she sees in him
ME: being single again is great
FRIEND: really? what did you have for dinner
ME: alfredo sauce
FRIEND: on?
ME: … a plate
Sarah Palin isn’t racist. Some of her white friends’ best white friends have white friends who vaguely know someone who is black.
[Outside liquor store]
Underage kid: Hey mister, can you buy me some beer?
Me: Sure, if you show me how stories on Instagram work I’ll buy you black tar heroin.
me, several minutes after lying about being able to fly a hot air balloon: im just gonna go this way
Lifeguards should focus more on water safety and less on me laying eggs in the sand.
I have nothing in common with people that say, “I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy.”
What’s so funny?
Just finished cleaning and can’t find the kids.
NO SCREENS FOR THE WHOLE WEEKEND just fell out of my mouth and if divorce were a facial expression my husband just asked me for one
A roomba that swears every time it hits something.
ME: Thank you for your service.
VETERINARIAN: Again, I’m not that kind of vet.
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME: Thank you for your purrvice.
Me: After all these years, I feel like all you offer me is false support
Limb technician:…well it’s kinda my job Greg, otherwise you’d be hopping home.
Me to my husband: Why do you insist on bringing that up? That was in the past.
Husband: It just happened.
Me: But it was in the past.
Husband: It was five minutes ago.
Me: In. The. Past.
Me: your snowman can look however you like sweetheart
2: *sticks arms in snowman’s head*
Me: not like that
Sorry just got your text. Do you still need to go to the hospital?
Apparently “A shit ton” is not the correct response when a girl scout asks how many boxes.
whenever a study shows excessive screen time causes brain damage i’m like yeah. me know.
Give a man a catfish and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to catfish and he can have Internet boyfriends in 7 different countries.
A black James Bond? Wouldn’t work. He’d be pulled over every 15 minutes for driving an Aston Martin.
[using Apple Pay]
Cashier: Tilt your phone
Me: *tilts*
Cashier: Closer
Me: Ok
Cashier: Stand on one leg
Me: Huh?
Cashier: Sing Apple Bottom Jeans
Me: What?
Cashier: Eat this apple
“Smell ya later”
-me, to my asparagus
Establish dominance by ordering ribs on your date and refuse to use a napkin.
[red carpet during zombie apocalypse]
“Who are you eating?”