(Watching Planet Earth)
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: A narrow escape. The rabbit lives to fight another day
ME: hooray I wanted this
DA: The fox will have nothing to feed its hungry babies
ME: Oh no why did I want this
You Might Also Like
The best way to stay safe on the road is to drive like something other cars want to avoid.
can’t believe they changed the Hollywood sign again
If I’m busy and see an interesting article, I open it in a new tab, read the first paragraph, and later, when I have time, close the tab
medusa: look into my gaze
me:
dwayne johnson: did it do anything?
One of the most unforgivable sins is spilling your coffee because you’re texting while driving.
WHY WRITERS ARE STARING AT NOTHING
• they’re actually working shh this is the process
• haven’t slept in 19 years so this is a power nap
• hoping a bakery will appear
• just fell down a plot hole and horror is setting in
• about to scream
• any second now
• oh here they go
Friends don’t let friends buy cinnamon scented decorative brooms.
my wife went to Costco 3 hours ago and now she’s ignoring my calls. this can’t be a good sign.
I’m supposed to be Gen-X but I feel like Gen-FML is more fitting.
20’s: AT DAWN WE RIDE !
40’s: AT NINE WE SLEEP !
My whole life is like when you’re talking to someone and your gum falls out of your mouth.
[doing group photography]
ME: now let me take one without the flash
THE FLASH: what the-
REST OF JUSTICE LEAGUE: wait let’s hear him out
How many boats could Lisa Kudrow row if Lisa Kudrow could row boats?
imagine a dolphin. now imagine a small dog. folks there is plenty more where that came from
[being murdered]
Me: omg barry? from high school?
Barry: no way {stab} dave?
Me: this isn’t cuz of some high school thing is it?
Barry: oh nonono {stabstabstab} you were great. {stab} this is just a thing i do now
Me: k good {still being stabbed} you had me worried for a sec
[Friday 5pm]
Me: *shutting down computer*
Computer: have a good weekend 🙂
[Monday 8am]
Me: omg you’re still on
Computer: *shaking from exhaustion* would u like to save this
[mid to late 13th century]
me: [slowly pushes a cannon into a bank] “everybody listen up this is a robbery”
If my bathroom scale were polite it would start off by telling me what a great personality I have.
Honey, someone thinks I’m subtweeting them again..
Honey?
so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys people get very upset
The most valuable breed of cow are the Cash
if the groundhog comes out without a mask its 6 more months of quarantine
I know I couldn’t handle being in a position of power because when I’m the banker in Monopoly I steal money
My friend and I had a running joke. She said let’s do a marathon and then we both laughed.
Just got glasses for the first time in 20 years and holy shit everyone looks terrible
Haha there’s a squirrel on the fence and he’s walking back and forth like he can’t make up his mind because he’s on the fence.
Make new friends? bro out of what?
stop abbreviating phrases where every word has one syllable (OMG, ILY). start abbreviating long sentences. that’s how u save time. ILYFYB (i’m leaving you for your brother) or SWAYTAIUMELFY (stacy what are you talking about i uprooted my entire life for you). much easier
ME: I think I chipped a tooth
GOLF INSTRUCTOR: let’s try a ball next time
Trump worked his way up from nothing. He’s going to give every American the same 1 million dollars he started with. That’s all you need.