In the event of a bear attack, the best thing to do is play dead. You’ll still die. But at least you get to play with a bear.
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I’ve been eating cucumber slices instead of chips and when I close my eyes, I pretend I’m eating something more enjoyable, like broken glass or rusty nails.
making it rain (CHEETOS) in the club (my bedroom)
I’m sorry, you’ll have to repeat that. I’m not fluent in nonsense.
Trix are for kids, but when my favorite rabbit gets together with the Energizer bunny it’s grownup time.
“if you could be any animal what would you be”
a cat
“why a cat”
[imagines being a complete shithead for literally no reason]
naps and stuff
Cardio Made Easy
I was 14 before I realized that banana peels and anvils weren’t America’s leading causes of death.
Do I have to put “parody” in my account because I’m not actually a sentient donut?
INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for someone who is good with people
ME: *grabbing my stuff* Good luck with your search
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
Yoda: “You must unlearn what you have learned.”
Me: “Got it.”
*shits pants*
Guy walking in on me in the bathroom
Me: Excuse me. I’m on the phone.
*mom puts teen’s clean clothes at bottom of the stairs*
Mom meaning: Take up stairs, put away
Teen meaning: Obstacle course on the stairs!
You say you’re a stoner?
Name every stone then
The amount of cream cheese I smear on a bagel when I’m dining out is VERY different than when I’m at home. Alone. With my tub of cream cheese.
me: I challenge you to a fish fight
them: you mean fist fight?
Me: [gently putting bass knuckles on my best goldfish Reginald] no
If corporations are people then that’s really gross because we walk inside of them all the time.
[speed dating]
ME: I like your hair
HER: OK
ME: And your teeth are so smiley
HER: You know this is a job interview, right?
ME: *rings bell*
Doctor: so what type of birth control are you using?
Me: my appearance
A girl named ReAnne laying in bed each night wondering if she had an older sister named Anne and where she went wrong
A public stoning, but it’s just a group of people throwing donut holes at me
Not everyone in my family follows Apple news, my sister included
Is #GoHomeIndianMedia really trending? Can we respond with #NoPleaseYouKeepThem or #OkFineWhereElseCanWeSendThem
I couldn’t find my car scraper this morning so I had to use a store discount card to scrape the ice. Didn’t really work tho, only got 20% off.
H: Well, the remote was definitely broken, so I went and bought a new one.
Me:
H: Oh, and it came with this 75″ television.
When I see snails in my path, I like to gently pick them up out of if harms way, and ‘whizz’ them magically a few metres, and plop them where they were headed. Keeps them safe, but I also like to think they later share their teleportation tales with other snails.
My dog is disabled so I have to hold him up when he pees.
Long story short, I’m getting really good at writing my name in the snow.
I’m at my most potato when I’m twice-baked
I’M CRYINGGG