ME: I can’t believe it’s not butter
FRIEND: This is a shoe
ME: Omg I can’t believe it
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grotesque if literal: baby food
8yo overheard me talking about getting laser eye surgery. She got really upset. I was surprised by her reaction until she said “but what if you accidentally shoot me with laser beams!”
*lowers car suspension to look more gangster*
*takes 12 minutes to ride over a speedbump*
[11am]
Me: oh look, it’s sunny out.
Me: I should go running.
Me: or swimming!
Me: these Doritos are delicious.
For all those men who say”Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?”
I say: why buy an entire pig just to get a little sausage!
Cop: you failed to obey the stop sign
Me: I got lost in the music
C: what song?
M: I’d rather not say
C: what song?!?
M: I saw the sign
Journalist: what are your thoughts on the arms race?
Me: I strongly believe that races should be done with legs
“I’m not angry, just disappointed. You need to try harder. This is important! Do I make myself clear?”
“Sorry, sir. Here’s your ketchup.”
How to parallel park:
1) Park somewhere else.
10yo: You know that’s not what they mean by exercise, right?
Me: Pfft. [continues shaking Fitbit up and down]
I legit had to reread this several times before I realised it wasn’t intended to be a conversation between the Beta Male and the Alpha Male.
dentist: lay on the chair please
me: ok
dentist: face up
WIFE: The neighbours are having a big Star Wars themed party.
ME: A Boba Fete.
HER: You’re not invited.
Hubs: I think we should buy a new camper.
Me: What’s the matter with you? You’re just gonna say that right in front of my phone?
*Facebook timeline turns into solid camper ads*
“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt have no other Gods bef-”
“Slow down, fella. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’.”
You are the wind beneath my overly-sensitive, motion-activated floodlight.
Them: Do you know who you look like?
Me: No, and I’d prefer we kept it that way.
ME: How much for this aggressive bottle of water?
FIREFIGHTER: Sir that’s a hydrant
Jupiter
[Spelling bee]
Judge: “Your word is unhelpful.”
Kid: “Can you use it in a sentence please?”
Judge: “Nope.”
Remember to set your wireless bra to ‘airplane mode’ before take off.
Smooth, elegant, complex and full-bodied. But enough about me, this wine is fantastic.
my recent google searches:
— how to colour your own hair
— how to fix a bad dye job
— Wigs By Tiffani
— hats
— making the most of your time in isolation
me: if i follow them, will i see their tweets?
Twitter: absolu-
Twitter algorithm: no.
7: Are monsters real Mommy?
Me: Yes, they are. They’re in my office and they “reply all” on emails.
We’re out of milk.
Eh, kids can drink water.We’re out of bread.
PB&J on hot dog buns it is!We’re out of coffee.
WHAT. Get my keys.
*Do you wish to send?
*Are you sure?
*For real?
*Have you been drinking?
*Really?
*What time is it?~How my send button should function
When Miley Cyrus is naked and licks a hammer it’s “art” and “music” , but when I do it I’m “wasted” and “have to leave the Hardware Store”
I’m sorry, I didn’t hear one word after you said, “pie chart”
To me, suicide seems selfish. For all I know, someone else might want to kill me