The only problem with teaching little kids to share is that sometimes they want some of my stuff
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What about a To-Don’t List?
15000 CCTVs 2b installed in Delhi 4r Obama’s visit.
This is ridiculous. Just because he’s black doesnt mean he’ll steal anything. Racists!
“Mom, I’m in Season 3 of The Leftovers! It will be the fifth episode.”
“David, I’m so proud of you! What’s the role?”
*David hangs up*
Will not visit my brother because he has an air mattress and I refuse to sleep without my Chinese throwing stars
me: so you want to give me a bunch of shit in exchange for my soul?
satan: yup
me: even though it’s lookin like i’m gonna be down there when i die anyway
satan: you got it
me: …are you just like bored or something? what is this?
Driving in Europe vs Canada
Imagine the shock of seeing her in RL with her average sized eyeballs and no antlers…
I’ve tried playing Jenga with children. But it’s so much easier using the little wooden blocks.
Man: You’re killing me
Comedian: [strangling man with cloth] this is great material
A face that lunched a thousand chips.
CDC: Clean commonly touched surfaces
Wife: I don’t meet these criteria
If you get a present from me with scissors and a roll of tape trapped under the wrapping paper, I’m gonna need those back.
Marvel’s new superhero sounds pretty shit 😕😕😕
I like to picture my mom in the middle of the crowd at a Wu Tang concert, hands on her hips, just shouting grammar corrections back at them
every ghost is a little afraid someone will see them and tell them to start wearing pants again
[Snail Court]
Snail Lawyer: Permission to approach the bench, Your Honor?
Snail Judge: I’m sorry; we don’t have that kind of time.
Trying to break up with an optician, but every time I say I can’t see you anymore, she moves an inch closer and says “how about now?”
Detective: one of you is the murderer
The actual murderer: *remains calm*
Me, innocent: *starts sweating, heart rate goes through roof, displays every sign of guilt it is possible to display*
Can’t believe people still say “pot” it’s not the 70s anymore we call it “saucepan” now
My house has been so messy lately, I’m making myself watch Hoarders to motivate me to clean it so I don’t end up starring in an episode.
Genie: last wish
Me: I wish I could fly
*poof*
Me: *in line holding an economy class ticket to Tulsa* SONOFA…
Frontier flight attendant: Sir, I regret to inform you that we are going to have to cancel this flight.
*hands me a parachute*
Someone: You ever just look at someone, and realize you’d go to the ends of the Earth for them?
Me: At the current gas prices, are you nuts?
#IsStrangerThanStrangerThings
A groundhog taking the wheel
An app to tase restaurant owners who call appetizers “apps”
I quit my job to become an archeologist.
My career is in ruins.
My husband was just rude to me and I said that I’m going to punish him and he got all excited but like I don’t even know why he’s so excited to do my Calculus homework
“Yeahhhh, that’s the good stuff. Look at that color. Mmmmm, flavor off the charts. You can just serve this raw but I like to add a bit of salt” – guy on The Food Network boiling water
Hear me out. A waiting room where the doctors wait.
Googling symptoms only tells you which diseases have the best SEO