My neighbors are out in their backyard having an epic argument so it looks like the fireworks show is getting started early.
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don’t think i’ve met a single person ever who listens to machine gun kelly. he is less of a musician and more like a mischievous forest spirit who emerges every five years to haunt a very beautiful woman to the point of madness
Saying Trump can’t be an antisemite because his daughter converted to Judaism is like saying he can’t be sexist because he married a woman.
“Of all the cheeses, you are my all-time favourite.”
Me, to whatever cheese I’m currently eating.
20’s: I can’t remember where I left my keys
30’s: I can’t remember where I left my car
40’s: I can’t remember where I left my kids
Me, off my meds, pitching a cartoon movie: OK, so, you know how most toasters are cowards?
I don’t always drink tequila but when I do, where the hell are my clothes?
A friend with a printer is worth 8 regular friends
The plan: slip my number to the hot guy and whisper “Let’s talk later”
How it went: slipped and fell into the hot guy and stammered “–‘stalk later”
Sometimes I like to mess with my husband and say things like “Honey, please hand me a waffle knife” and watch him panic.
[Being chased by a bear in the snow]
Me: Should we hide??!Her: *putting snow on herself* make yourself as white as you can
Me *loudly* I find potato salad too spicy
I’m so excited that the gyms are opening up on Monday. No, not to go workout, silly. To cancel my membership.
Me: Goodnight moon
Moon: night.
Me: What?
Moon: nothing. It’s fine.
Me: You’re acting distant
Moon: I’m 238,900 miles away
Writing historical fiction is so benignly chaotic, like I’m in the middle of composing an intense, heartfelt, philosophical scene then suddenly I have to open a new tab for “when were towels invented”
what if a snake fell asleep wrong and when he woke up his him was alseep
I’m that aunt who laughs when my brother is scolding his kids and now we’re all in trouble.
People should be able to call in healthy: “Look, I’m not coming into the office today. I feel really good and I don’t want to waste it on being at work “
WIFE: Oh darn I have a loose thread on my sweater.
ME: (waiting for the right time to tell her I bought a sword) Allow me m’ lady.
*plane crashes in ocean*
*washes ashore island*
*imprisoned by crabs*
*rises to become Crab Emperor*
*assassinated by most trustworthy crab*
If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
my glass coffin company “remains to be seen” is not doing as well as i thought it would.
😂😂
I’m at my sexiest when I choke on rice and a piece gets lodged at the back of my nose and I’m snorting and sniffing and blowing to try and dislodge it.
Break up by making swimming motion arms every time they want to hold hands.
[at the pub]
I could survive for six days with everything in the pockets of my cargo shorts.
Her: Quit talking to me
whenever i see babies crying in movies, i feel so bad. but then i remember it’s just pretend. they’re acting. they’re professionals. they know what they’re doing
Wednesday
Youtube trainer: and we’re going to repeat this exercise for thirty seconds
me: *how* many seconds???
Canned, not stirred.
[lights pickle]
“What do your tattoos mean?” They mean I can sit still for a long time