I never realized that by my age, I would be so well educated in kitchen back splashes
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An octopus is very cool because if Snow White and the Seven Dwarves were drowning, it would have enough tentacles to save all of them.
I am not a good hugger. Tonight a friend hugged me and I dropped some crackers I was holding and just gently said “my crackers” while waiting for the hug to end
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
Pretty certain that wife and I would win the gold in the Olympic event of rage loading the dishwasher
nurse: “if youre going to give grapes to a baby make sure you cut them in half”
me: [visibly confused]
wife: “the grapes keith not the baby”
My 4 yr old niece is on the hyper side so my brother-in-law was trying to teach her about behaving and said “little girls are made of sugar and spice and what else?” and in her best batman voice she replied, “BLOOD AND BONES.”
Nissan keeps sending me emails with my monthly vehicle health report. I hope the car is healthy but I haven’t owned it for 3 months.
Me: My dog has gone missing
Dog pound: What colour is it?
Me: Brown
Dog pound: Sex?
Me [turns to wife]: Has the dog lost his virginity?
This is worse than season 7 of The Walking Dead
Apparently, “No kidding!” isn’t a good response when your boss says he’s confused.
If like me you’ve ever been accused of being born in a barn and want to chat about it, remember, my door is always open.
nice thing about dating a doctor is if you wanna stop seeing them, you can just eat an apple
I only Googled how to make a bomb so I can be sure I don’t accidentally have bomb making equipment in my house that would get me arrested in a surprise police raid.
Cop: And yet, here we are…
God returns to his desk with a midnight snack. He squints at a video feed of Earth. The plate of nachos falls to the floor in slow motion.
[hospital]
“We found the problem. There’s an entire sheep in your stomach.”
“Is that bahahaad?”
“Yes. It’s causing some internal bleating.”
me: I guess you could say I’m at the end of my rope
executioner: how are you talking
I wish I had enough talent as a dancer to disappoint my family by becoming a dancer
Meow?
The cool thing about driving 15 mph in a school zone is that it makes it so much easier to text.
I’m just a guy standing in a Starbucks line, thinking I could’ve milked a cow and grown my own coffee beans faster than this shit.
No one is more unnecessarily confident than a white person that just ordered Mexican food in a Spanish accent.
There’s a programme on the BBC called Elephant Diaries.
You’d think that was one animal that wouldn’t need to keep one.
Just another unrealistic body expectation for women
I want what any normal girl wants in life… A great job, a loving husband and to be the wallpaper on thousands of iPhones.
When you show someone a photo on your phone and they start scrolling through your photos, it’s legal to slap their nosy face.
TSA Officer: Ma’am, you can’t go through security with that much liquid
Me: But I couldn’t find a bathroom
Am not being sponsored to say this but if you’re like me and enjoy wearing jean-shorts but dislike the feeling of cold on your lower legs, check out “jeans”. They’re like jean-shorts but longer.
MoviePass 6 months ago: See as many movies as you want! Go crazy! Watch 3 at once!
MoviePass now: you can watch half a movie once every lunar year. You have to clean the theater afterward. If you don’t get the ticket stub tattooed on your face we’ll send the FBI to your house.
me *limping*
wife: What happened to you?
me: I took a nap