*finds baby on doorstep*
Me: Should…should we keep it?
Wife: …Let’s sleep on it
Me: (wide-eyed) Christ Deborah that’d kill him
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*Toddler throws sock on floor and bursts into tears*
Me: Why are you crying?!
Toddler: Because someone took my sock
Me: No one took your sock!
Toddler: Then where is it?!
Me: It’s right there on the floor next to my sanity
The string of expletives that just left my mouth was so long, I clotheslined a cyclist two towns over.
teacher: there’s no such thing as a stupid question
me: are sharks just mean dolphins
teacher: ok i was wrong
Couldn’t remember the name ‘komodo dragon’ earlier so I called it a biguana.
Friends: Want to hang out this weekend?
Me: No, I have big plans this weekend.
My Plans:
Funerals have gotten so expensive: at mom’s, after paying for the bouncy house, clowns & pony rides, we couldn’t afford a decent magic show.
I understand that children are our future, but in the future can they be on a different train?
My yoga instructor says I need to work on my breathing.
But I mean, 41 years, still alive. I kinda got it.
It’s not about the sacrifices you have to make, it’s about making sure your knife is sharp and they can’t wiggle away.
Remember: If you don’t post a first-day-of-school picture of each child on Facebook, the state will come and take your kids away.
Fun prank:
1. Steal your married friends phone
2. Change your name to ‘Brandi from the club’
3. Call repeatedly at 3AM and hang up
Every once in a while someone comes along, and if you are really still they’ll eventually go away.
*Viewing apartments
Estate agent: I know it’s not particularly big but…
Me: Not big?! The only way I’m living here is if it comes with a letter from Hogwarts
Everyone at Schrödinger’s funeral looking at his coffin
I love you too, my dear tree. But I fear my wife is beginning to suspect
My biggest fear is a serial killer brewing a fresh pot of coffee, while I’m trying to play dead.
How does a farmer find new cows to buy?
He looks through the cattlelog.
*Buys 15 feet of bubble wrap*
Cashier: “Are you moving?”
Me: “No, why?”
My daughter is such a happy little person she giggles in her sleep, which makes me worry that somehow she’s not my biological offspring
On average, 13 people a year are killed by sharks, and 2 of those are stabbings
*Infrastructure naming conference *
Crab : Let’s name it it the sidewalk
Other animals :Why should we do that we literally walk straight?
Crab:
Other animals :
Crab:
Other animals:
Crab :
Other animals :Okay we get it
I only want to be cremated if they use real cream.
Death is often a good career move if you’re a poet.
My daughter is grounded for eternity and she just asked me the life expectancy of an adult male who smokes cigarettes and drinks too much coffee…
There’s a programme on the BBC called Elephant Diaries.
You’d think that was one animal that wouldn’t need to keep one.
The story of the Titanic speaks to me because I once tripped over a bag of ice at a party & then killed over 1,500 people.
my boss: how are you late to work again
me: [running out of excuses] have you ever seen the film flushed away
I bet the marketing people at Corona really wish this thing was called Heinekenfluenza.
[zombie apocalypse] *my girlfriend becomes zombie* More like zom-BAE! Haha hang on I have to tweet that. *is eaten right away*
I need a new maid, because the current one sucks. Also, she’s me.