me: i refuse to put the word “dad” in my handle and make all my tweets about parenting. i love my son but i am still my own person and need to maintain my own identity.
them: weird way to start a custody hearing and what is a “handle?”
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WIFE: I regret getting you that blender for Christmas.
ME: {drinking toast} Why?
Fun Date Idea: Find a balloon, forget about the date, you have a balloon now.
Describing a female colleague to your GF, saying “you know, the hot blond” is conducive to sofa sleeping.
*accidentally pokes finger in my eye* I can’t even trust myself anymore.
My wife is in the kitchen and she will not bring me a beer here in the living room. That’s it…gonna text her and say “I cannot believe how lazy you are.
Guy got to the gym a few minutes before I did and asked “Are you ok with listening to metal?” so I was just like “Yeah sure that’s fine” and he put on Fall Out Boy lol
Boy, ISIS are going to be pissed when they find out New Atheists talk about God more than them.
Called it
You’ve heard of Elf on a Shelf but…
I don’t know why these Jehovah’s Witnesses won’t give me their addresses in case I think of something more to shout at them.
Son: dad there’s a spider in my room!
Me: he’s more afraid of you than you are of him
Son: can you get rid of him
Me: no because I’m like ten times more afraid of him than he is of you
Lawyers are good at twisting words but not as good as drunk me when I’m explaining where I’ve been.
Doctor: serious side effects of this medication can include death
Me: I’ll take it
Maybe raccoons aren’t really digging through trash for food,
Maybe they’re just looking for something to remove their eye shadow.
Though I hear their
Helpless cries
I eat
Bank ads make me want to hide my money under my mattress.
They also make me want to acquire some money for hiding, but that’s a side issue.
ME (teaching driver’s ed): quick, what did that sign we just passed say?
STUDENT: um
ME: this is important
STUDENT: *reluctantly* McDonald’s, one mile, exit 7A?
ME: good. stay in the right lane and ready your blinker
Stranger: Where did you get peanut butter scented sunscreen?
Me: Sunscreen?
Look kid, you can’t die from embarrassment. Believe me, I’ve tried.
Noah could only fish twice.
Why?
He only had two worms.
#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Luke: If you’re such a great Jedi, why don’t you fight Vader yourself?
Yoda:
Luke:
Yoda:
Luke:
Yoda: Other shit to do, I have.
Me: I swear you’ll be the death of me
Murderer: lol
Her: So, do you prefer showers to baths?
Me: I follow my heart…
If I could teach my kid anything it would be do not attempt to lay on my face. Give me my personal space please, tiny leech.
I LEFT MY TEDDY IN MY ROOM AND THE HOUSEKEEPER DID THIS??;!;!;!!;!;
Give me one good reason not to have a drink.
Hepatologist: Hold my beer.
Autocorrect just changed ‘so thirsty’ to ‘sloth irate’ and I’m slowly getting angry about it.
[Anteater eats some termites]
[looks up to heaven] “YOU DON’T CONTROL ME, GOD! YOU HEAR ME? I DON’T CARE WHAT YOU NAMED ME!”
Alexa play Metallica…
Alexa play Metallica…
Alexa play Metallica…
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: Trying to get this piece of shit to play some music
Wife: Well 1st off, that’s my coffee thermos you moron…
How many pans of brownies eaten gets me the Girl Scout badge for gluttony?