MURDERER: [looking for me] You better of hidden well or you’re dead
ME: [under bed, tears in my eyes] It’s better HAVE
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*At the bar
Me)Is this seat taken?
Woman)I have a boyfriend
Me)That’s OK, I’m 50. I just want to sit down
If cartoons are a reliable guide, the secret to never ageing is wearing the same clothes every day.
Me, at the intervention: “Ah look, all the reasons I drink gathered in one place.”
no i don’t want to allow notifications from your online publication. no one HAS ever wanted to allow notifications from your online publication and no one WILL ever wanted to allow notifications from your online publication. weirdass
Them: Have you tried dieting?
Me: Have you ever tried pizza?
Im sorry, but that car does not have 5 doors. It’s 4 doors. No one is climbing in through the boot.
“Would you rather be right or—“
YES
[buying condoms]
assistant: would you like a bag?
me: are they cheaper?
You were the hot single in your area the whole time.
THEM: You can’t go wrong with this recipe.
ME: Watch me.
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Clark Kent: kryptonite
Interviewer: right, what’s your kryptonite?
Clark Kent: ohhhh I see what you mean. Chips and salsa
A little baby Yoda in my life
A little baby Yoda by my side
A little baby Yoda is all I need
A little baby Yoda is what I seeMandalorian Number Five
“Hi, I’d like a Junior McChicken and a cheeseburger please.”
“$3.23.”
“Oh, and a bottle of water.”
“$87.54. Please drive thru.”
When people introduce a statement with “Not gonna lie,” it fills me with confidence in their honor and commitment to veracity.
My twins both have hiccups at the same time and I’m over here hoping it’s not the eighth sign of the apocalypse
Me [proudly]: This is my son. He’s 10, a fine artist & great at math
Nurse: That’s a garbage can & your morphine drip is still attached
3 little words that can bring a man to his knees on a Sunday morning
INTERNET IS DOWN
me: if i had a time machine i’d eat dinner again
friend: so go back for seconds?
me: no probably longer than that
that co-worker that never lets you get your shit done.
Once upon a time,
You weren’t listening to the story mommy was reading to you so everyone in the book dies. The end.
Seeing a woman drinking, smoking, and gambling while in her wedding dress makes me realize I need to up my multi-tasking game.
We’ve known each other for a while now and we both feel a deep connection. I think we’re ready to take this to the next level. Tonight I’m going to explain the metric system to you.
ME: we need to take actionable steps to combat climate change
ME: *after two glasses of wine* i will do it. i will fight the freaking sun
During a natural disaster be sure to keep your phone with you at all times. You never know when you might think of a joke to tweet.
Sometimes in the ‘special talents’ section of a resume I like to draw a picture of a cat
Why do I never crave carrots or broccoli at midnight? Why is it always some unhealthy shit like Taco Bell or pizza?
You act like you’ve never seen a grown woman ride a carousel horse without kids.
let me get this straight… your last 2 wives “accidentally” got their heads chopped off
Well that was fun with a capital no it wasn’t
HER: Wow, look at all the presents! How did you afford it all?
ME: I used Kohl’s cash.
[police burst through the door with Kohl]
KOHL: That’s the man who mugged me!