The thought that I’m the human’s pet #BlowsMyMind
You Might Also Like
My neighbour is pissed. My recycle bin has missing for months so I’ve been using hers. My boyfriend is missing too. Same situation.
[Earth, looking at her face in mirror after a date]
Oh, no! How long has that volcano been there?
My wedding anniversary is next week. Does anyone have an idea for a gift that conveys the sentiment ‘our love is priceless’ for under $75?
“no animal except humans drinks the milk of another animal” cool, no animal except humans has netflix either, what’s your point
In honor of the eclipse, I will also get in the way of someone brighter than me.
Get your kids Christmas pajamas so they’ll have something comfortable to fight in.
3am
Me: *wakes up for no reason*
Anxiety and Insomnia: *fighting*
Bladder: We should pee.
Stomach: PEANUT BUTTER!
Somebody Cadbury Cream egged our house last night. I’d be upset, but I’ve been too busy licking off the bricks.
i have a lot to offer! most of it’s bad but it’s still a lot
Help! Has anybody seen a little boy with a corndog?
Stranger: He’s over there!
Oh thank God! [steals little boy’s corndog and runs away]
My pics are real.
I don’t use any filters.
I don’t even use coffee filters.
I eat coffee straight outta the container like a man
Some mornings I just want to punch people in the face before they could even speak because I know they’ll definitely deserve it later in the day !!
I tried to spell perseverance but I gave up in the end
Yes opposites attract, my husband dunks basketballs and I dunk donuts.
Our elf hasn’t moved in 4 nights. Daughter asked if he was in a coma
*guy acts like he’s gonna punch me*
GUY: HA! You flinched
ME: yes because I thought you were going to punch me. If you actually punched me I would have been more protected. You see, evolutionarily speaking, the flinchers would have outlived those wh-
GUY: *actually punches me*
Me (texting): Help I’m in the closet hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t use voice to text
[cat and dog meet for negotiations]
Mediator: We’re just beginning this process, so right now everything is on the table.
Cat: *smiles*
Dog: Oh no.
I bet if Jesus had turned water into Vodka. The Bible would’ve been a lot more interesting.
Him: I like a girl who’s a good host
Me: *trying to impress him* I’ve had a tapeworm in my intestine for YEARS
VILLIAN: all this money is mine
BANK TELLER: help us Velcroman, he’s getting away
VELCROMAN: *stuck to the floor* who puts carpet in a bank?
Is there also a milkshake that will keep all the boys away from my yard?
Laziness is the art to rest before one gets tired.
#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes
#Wednesday
Nonwriters: How do you write a book?
Writers: Well, you write and delete a lot. Then spend three hours researching, and correct it. Next you doubt your grasp on the english language and rewrite it again
Nonwriters: Then you’re done?
Writers: Then you start the next paragraph
Using my teeth to open the pack of hot dogs I brought for my inflight snack
One day she says “Treat me like a princess,” the next she’s pissed that I married her off in exchange for an alliance with Spain. Women…
Boss: Dan why is your hand raised?
Me: can I go to the bathroom?
Boss: Dan you’re 23. This is a business meeting
Me: so that’s a yes?
If Pepsi was smart… They would make a Coke flavor Pepsi!!!
Whenever I ask indie filmmakers how they got funding for their movie they always describe a mysterious millionaire they never met who appeared out of nowhere needing to get rid of money for tax purposes. If you know this millionaire please connect me asap….
Girls are always taking your hoodies but you take one of their dresses and suddenly they’re all like “we need to talk.”