My dog stepped in the pumpkin pie. I’m serving it anyway.
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ain’t no way there’s billions of us and nobody got superpowers
Lately I’ve been getting in touch with my inner self.
I really need to switch to a better brand of toilet paper.
The name England comes from the words ‘engorged’ and ‘gland’ inspired, of course, by the shape of the country.
I am on a diet. This is just my cheat decade
[mustard company office]
*phone rings*
“Yellow”
I’m currently boycotting any company that sells items I can’t afford.
I lie in the bath for hours.
But I try to tell the truth the rest of the time.
[mattress store]
Me: bet u get a lot of losers asking which ones are piss proof huh
Clerk: not really
Me: what would u recommend to them tho
Don’t flatter yourself lady, I wasn’t winking at you. I was winking at that biscuit you’re eating.
I have a horrific story to share. I sauteed broccoli for dinner with extended family. We were almost done. I was about to eat my last bite. And I saw a caterpillar. I went to the pan. More caterpillars. By then it was too late. So, I said nothing. I fed my family caterpillars 😭
Batman: can I have some fettuccine alfredo
Alfred: right away, Bruce-o
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: yes
Netflix: lmao it’s cancelled
[rollercoaster]
HER: weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
ME [selfish]: iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii
THEM: eat shit and die
ME: well, if nobody else wants any
Mom. Dad. I like my coffee like I like my women. I don’t like coffee. I’m gay.
I’m throwing myself a circumcision party tomorrow, so anybody with a scalpel and a steady hand, stop on by. Jews welcome only with gift.
these minion tweets are getting pretty gru some
Pretty certain the day I die my body will be found tangled in Saran Wrap with an untouched sandwich on the counter.
The local diner is now selling rolls of toilet paper displayed in the glass case alongside their pie, which is really confusing.
Unless you’ve ever eaten their pie.
If i were a hand model, at least i could say that i’ve banged a model.
Made plans to exercise with a friend and now I have to go get in a car accident.
[watching Titanic]
*leans over to my wife* That iceberg might be problematic.
“I’m the world champion of hearing,” I lied to the girl at the bar. 20 minutes later the real world champion burst in and hit me in the jaw
Husband: *Grabs a pillow off the couch* Did we get new pillows?
Me: Uh huh, last year, when we got the new couches
Wife: we argue a lot about money
Therapist: well that’s not uncommon among coupl-
Me: Andrew Jackson was a genocidal murderer and should be taken off the twenty dollar bill. I am not budging on this, Diane.
I don’t care what nutritionists tell you- tortilla chips ARE a meal. It has everything your body needs:
1.) Tortilla chips
don’t eat yellow snow is a pretty sound rule but i would warn against eating any kind of weather
Remember to kick Friday right in the panty hamster.
Just gonna eat a cookie and reflect on this