The only reason we have different time zones is because if everyone was sleeping at the same time, the aliens would make off with our stuff
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Always the camel, never the toe.
Judge: Your charge is burning down your neighbors house
Me: Your Honor they hung baskets of plastic flowers on their porch!
J: Not Guilty!
[hell]
-What are you in for?
-Rape, murder. You?
-I invented web ads that make you wait to skip past them.
-[backing away] That’s messed up.
old people with oxygen tanks are sneaking away to live in an underwater utopia
I get lots of strange looks because not only do I laugh at inappropriate times but I’m a very loud laugher, it’s a real detriment when you think of a joke while having sex.
Boss: Why were you tardy this morning?
Me: I don’t think we’re supposed to call people that any more.
Men only want ONE THING and it’s to have a portrait hidden in their attic that becomes ugly and twisted while they remain young and beautiful forever
The secret to a fulfilling and loving relationship is mortal kombat
You want me to fill my glass with ice? The thing that sunk the Titanic?
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you
Me: is it because make up phrases
Girlfriend: yes
Me: well the spider didn’t warm the egg for it just to hatch
Girlfriend: I have no idea what you’re talking about
“turn right at the corner donut shop, then left at the pink cake place, your destination is on your right beside the surprisingly good vegan bakery*
[me as a GPS]
[me buying something stupid and don’t need that’s $7.99] cool it’s only seven bucks
[me later] can’t believe i wasted ten bucks on this
Nobody suspects that you’re digging a grave when you’re always working on your landscape.
So I ordered a cake from a renowned bakery in Nagpur, through #Swiggy. In the order details I mentioned “Please mention if the cake contains egg”. I am speechless after receiving the order 👇🏼
Someone asked me what was my favorite moment of 2021, and without a doubt it was when I searched for my phone in the dark by using the flashlight on my phone.
My kids love when I tell them the story of how I became the hide and seek champion. The year was 1995, and I was playing hide and seek with my dad. I went outside and got on the roof. He couldn’t find me. After an hour of looking for me, he called the cops. Yeah… I got spanked.
I’m watching my 4 year old son give my 1 year old a hammer. He is so irresponsible.
I get it, crocs and socks are not sexy at all, but I wasn’t getting laid in tennis shoes either and this is ridiculously comfortable.
Surely it must be just Zealand by now.
Whenever I start feeling mom guilt for letting my kids watch tv, I put it in Spanish. Now my kids are getting Spanish lessons
Cakes!
– the sequel to the cake I had earlier.
I walked down a street where the houses were numbered 64K, 128K, 256K, 512K and 1MB. That was a trip down memory lane.
My favorite act of vengeance is befriending your dad and convincing him that dread locks would look cool on him.
Nutritionist: Ideally, you should eat 1200 cal a day.
Me: Ok, and how many at night?
Some lady brought a gaggle of pre-teens to the movie, sat them down next to us & then sat elsewhere.
I sold them all on the black market.
A nice way to tell someone their breath stinks, “well I’m bored,let’s go brush our teeth” in mid convo
I bought a white bathrobe and splattered it with red paint just to freak out my neighbors when I go get the mail.
“I don’t know, it needs a little something. Hand me the garbage pail, Lorraine.”
My husband was so excited to finally have a kid that shared his love for baseball until the bottom of the 8th when she loudly asked “is this baseball or football?”
what the hell is this stain?
– a memoir