My girlfriend’s just had a go at me for not glistening, whatever that is
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whats the most professional email sign off that implies if you have to follow up in any way you’re prepared to put the recipient in a wood chipper? for me it’s thanks.
A lot of people think my handle is my actual name but it isn’t. My real name is Rachel Onomatopoeia.
Me: THE DEVIL KICKED JOHNNYS ASS! HE DONT APPRECIATE THE GOLDEN FIDDLE
Cop: *megaphone* UR SO WRONG- oh sorry chief- LET THE HOSTAGES GO
Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done.
Me: *checking in mirror* But I still look the same?
Genie: yes, but just wait until you see everybody else.
#ReplaceACelebWithAHouseHoldItem Nail Patrick Harris
♫ she’s just a small time girl
workin at Jurassic Woooorld
opened a raptor cage
now they’re everywhere ♫
My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha or a nature scene with an inspirational message like,
“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa.”
If god can artificially inseminate someone, why did he need two of every animal on the ark to repopulate the world?
It’s a real dilemma for me when I’m confronted with a moral issue that wasn’t examined by the writers of the original Star Trek.
Woman: it’s legal to breastfeed my son in public
Cop: not while he’s driving
me *choking*
cat [annoyed] Trying to sleep here
me a half hour into explaining the future to a time traveller: I don’t know how they did it but im glad they did
guy from the 1600’s: and they’re called dortios?
Now tell me how old your baby is in HOURS.
89% of the time when my husband tells me I look great what he really means is “We needed to leave five minutes ago.”
Deacon: Remember when you said you were open to ideas to get new members?
Pastor: Yes, why do you ask?
Deacon: How do you feel about knives?
I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.
ME: want to see me do a head stand
BRAIN SURGEON: how the hell did you get in here
tv: low volume
tv: volume jacked up for 6 seconds
tv: low volume
tv: volume jacked up for 6 seconds
[when I watch tv & eat chips]
Remember, don’t stoop to their level. If someone is murdering you, tell them their knife is cool and they’re good at stabbing. Be nice
It’s like my nana once said….
You know you can block people on Twitter who confuse crochet with knitting, right?
I #respectfully #trot when you let me cross the street in front of you. I salute the #power of the automobile.
[blind date]
Her: so do you go on a lot of dates?
Me: *sucking the gravy from my plate* a lot of first ones.
ladies say I’m a hamster in the sheets because I squeal when I’m uncomfortable and I leave small pellets in the bed
my girlfriend was cold so i bought her a fur coat. #Snowmageddon2015
I ducked into a crowd of guys bro hugging as they left the bar, they didn’t notice the stranger in their midst and I’m feeling so loved rn.
Me: I know we haven’t known each other for long but *gets down on one knee* Will you marry me?
Priest: Actually I’m here to marry you AND your fiancé now get up people are staring
What’s sadder, the end of “Titanic” or my son’s face when I ask him to explain Bitcoin again?
“If you break up with me, I will beach myself.” -dramatic whale
What if archeologists just matched the wrong bones and the t-Rex actually had super long arms
inventor of grenades: *holding avocado* i wish this was louder