this burrito is terrible how can you call yourself a barista
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forget tagging friends, i want to be able to tag my enemies
During winter months, some people will try to hug you just to steal some of your body heat.
Beware of false huggers.
Horoscope: Slightly fatter than you were yesterday
“You’re tattoos will look bad when you’re older”
So will the rest of me, what’s your point?
Someone: describe your sex life in two words.
Me: my what?
boss : you’re gonna do the color commentary tonight ok
[later]
announcer: here goes jackson rounding 3rd
me: and those pants are as mustard yellow as it gets folks
the boss has a new hairpiece and i’m trying real hard not to laugh
WIFE: I’m leaving you
ME: oh no what happened?
WIFE: you don’t pay attention to me anymore
ME: this is awful I’ve been working so hard at this
WIFE: it doesn’t feel like you-
ME: it must not have saved!
WIFE:
ME: *pauses video game* I’m sorry what were you saying?
Cashier: Gimme shake
Customer: *offers paw*
Cashier: Good…here’s your order!
-McDogald’s
I love babies cause they just cry upon waking up and it’s so honest
[Diner]
Waitress: Cops, and kids 5 and under eat for free
*me, discreetly nudging my 6 year-old*
my 6 year-old: im a police
Every time I burp I feel like my stomach is like, “Hey! Remember when we ate that?”
One time I had to Google “What is a Snooki?” ngl I was disappointed it wasn’t a new Muppet
a dog shows up to play basketball. but the rulebook never says dogs can’t play. i get it. thats a normal thing to not see coming. but then that same dog plays football, soccer, baseball. time to codify the good faith bipeds only policy, right?
no! they let his kids be ASTRONAUTS
M: Twitter has helped me tremendously as a writer, as it demands tightness and brevity.
Friend: What do you write?
M: Oh, only tweets now.
“The 59th rule of Fight Club is, we cant park in the lot on Vermont anymore – The owner is being a jerk. Just find street parking. 60th…”
If only the workout your thumbs get from scrolling on your phone would go to your abs.
Stereotypes are like mass graves. They’re both offensive ways to lump groups of people together
I’d totally bang him, but how awkward would the job interview be after that?
[first day as a stand-up comedian]
batman: how’d I do, alfred?
alfred: i felt like your dad.
batman: proud?
alfred: 💀💀
Capitalism is making me sad so I’m going to buy myself a little something.
Accidentally touched my kid’s toothpaste tube, do I just get a new hand now or what?
Little known fact: Scotland is just an elaborate hoax with Mike Myers playing all of its citizens.
Our roofer is concerned (long story) that “our little ones might eat mulch.” I’m more concerned he’s seeing little ones I don’t know about.
Me: [sat in car]
Cop: u forget something? [Points at baby still on roof in his carrier]
Me: OMG yes [gets out & puts on his flying goggles]
2019: no carbs
2020: eats a loaf of Wonder Bread out of the bag like it’s popcorn at the movies
Imagine coming back to life as a zombie but someone tied your shoes together before you were buried.
I like to shout, “ohh it burns!” while using a public restroom.
In my day, milk crates were used only for their God given purpose – holding your record albums
My GPS told me to drive up an off-ramp to get onto a highway going the wrong direction so I’m going to pass on getting into a self-driving car, thanks.