If aliens come I hope they bring us a new animal to eat. I’ve about had it with beef and chicken.
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That’s so nice of Activia to offer a money back guarantee. Am I supposed to send them pictures of myself not shitting?
very demi lovato saying their favorite dish is a mug because it can hold hot liquids
Me: *giving my wife puppy dog eyes*
Wife: WHERE THE HELL DID YOU GET THESE?
[creepy mansion]
ME: That portrait is watching us
MAN: No way
ME: [goes right up to portrait] I’m vegan
PORTRAIT: [rolls eyes]
ME: I knew it
Monday Lisa
If you’re drunk when you die, are you drunk forever…?
Welcome to the stomach
When you have this song stuck in your head, is it just your mind playing tracks on you?
“And on the 8th day, God created the platypus because he had some spare parts and thought a hairy duck might be fun.” – Genesis 51:12
I was just enviously admiring the energy and flexibility of a 3yo and then he kneed himself in the face.
One time I was talking to a really cute med student, we were flirting and laughing and it all looked promising. Then I sat down on a chair and it collapsed under me and shattered.
Anyway that was 26 years ago and I haven’t sat down since.
responding “ummmm i have a boyfriend” anytime a coworker asks me to do something in my job description
Why procrastinate today when you can procrastinate tomorrow?
genie: you have three wishes
me: end the pandemic
genie: [snaps fingers] done
me: get me a good job
genie: there’s too many gaps in your work history
me: i wish to own a home
genie: dude come on
everyone telling you that you’re beautiful on the Internet is an escaped convict.
I just hope Matrix Resurrections ends with Neo teaching Agent Smith the true meaning of Christmas.
According to this Fitbit, the coroner should’ve been here 10 minutes ago.
I hope I’m not overthinking this.
(six days later)
Nah I’m probably not.
tour guide: here are the sharks
me: bitey boi
guide: …and over here, a swordfish
me: pointy boi
guide: get out of the aquarium
[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?
[1st date]
Her: So, were you born here?
Me: [an idiot] In this restaurant? No. I was born in a hospital.
When a police officer seductively leans into your car window, he’s not going in for a kiss. Now I know.
Explaining a fountain to a 3rd world country must be weird. ‘Yeah we just shoot clean water into the air and throw our extra money into it’.
Saw my son pretending to pole vault with a curtain rod. It took me a good 10 mins to realize it meant there were curtains down somewhere.
If GMOs can make hundred pound tomatoes why don’t I have a pet teacup elephant yet?
Friend: *laughing at the crumbs on my sweater* Have you been eating cookies?
Me: Never ask about my art
“I want the box where I poop to smell like my poop or else I won’t want to poop there. Whoa whoa, not THAT much like my poop! Jesus!” – cats
Congrats to #LeonardoDiCaprio on his first Best Actor Oscar.
You can stop sacrificing goats now.
Student begins reading poem, teacher interrupts “No this is Creative WRITHING class” Other student squirms around on floor “Very good Todd”