When I was a young man, I dated a very sweet girl for several months. My parents treated this girl like she was their own daughter.
My mother even tried to find her a proper boyfriend
You Might Also Like
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
waiter: is everything ok?
me: *bubble noises*
I’m sorry I snort-laughed when you were saying your vows.
It’s finally mandatory for people to stay 6 feet away from me.
watergate? u mean a dam??
Caller ID isn’t enough for Me I need to know why you’re calling.
In rest homes, when lovers have spats, do they key each other’s walkers???
it sucks that a cape on your back makes you fly but a cape on your front just gets you a haircut
*a few seconds before a spider jumps on me. ”
“Let’s not fight.”
It’s like the only thing my kids learned from Snow White is that fruit is horribly poisonous.
I don’t have a spirit animal. I have a judgemental chicken that’s followed me around my whole life shaking its head disapprovingly.
Me: It’s going to be a great day!
Life: Yeah, about that…
Boss: I’ve been told one of you is just a robot car in disguise
*everyone stares at me, even Optimus who is drinking oil instead of coffee*
Watching someone cook is really sexy.
But I recommend you make sure they are unconscious before you put them in the pan.
Looking forward to getting my eyes checked. It’s the only doctor who doesn’t weigh me.
A pack of coyotes shrieking outside your house at 11:59 PM is slightly less unsettling if you imagine one of them just won a new car.
I have neither the patience nor the crayons to show you why this is a bad idea.
Toys ‘R Us pulled Breaking Bad figures because the characters sold drugs, but continue to sell Darth Vader ones, and he blew up a planet.
Retweeting a woman is basically saying “that’s what she said”
2020 feels like trying to jog while both of your feet are asleep.
My son asked me how diarrhea fits into God’s plan for us and I don’t think we’re going back to church anymore.
Husband said, “If you were really THAT funny you wouldn’t have to always say COME ON, THAT WAS FUNNY.”
So now I have a tombstone to select
Me: can you help with the dishes?
5 [licks dirty silverware] yeah.
Whenever my turd splashes loudly in a restroom stall I play the sound of a baby crying on my phone and yell “it’s a boy!”.
“Let me be clear” the sliding glass door said as I face planted it.
Exactly like a tissue box dispenser, except for cold cuts.
I was told you have to wait an hour after you finish eating to swim. I didn’t know there was such a thing as an hour after you finish eating
Me: I hurt my shoulder.
Them: sports related injury?
Me: sports bra related injury.
If I was named Edward Normus, I’d use my first name’s initial and my last name as much as I possibly could.
When life gives you lemons maybe think to yourself, “that’s really quite remarkable given how far I live from a climate capable of growing citrus.”
My single friends are always talking about clubbing and being hit on. Today’s social scene sounds so violent.