*Babysitting my 7 year old nephew*
My sister: And don’t let him eat too much junk food. And don’t let him talk to strangers. And don’t let him stay up too late watching scary movies.
My nephew: Ok i’ll try.
You Might Also Like
How does a mule unlock a door?
With a don-key.
#MuleDay #RubbishJokes
HR Manager: Some of your coworkers think you’re mean and vengeful
Me: They are going to pay for saying that
My daughter has written a homage to the chicken kebab. I am delighted. I wonder how my vegetarian husband feels about this..
The fact that the overhead camera in front of my office is fake doesn’t stop me from giving it the finger on the way out every day.
“Take one pill on an empty stomach”
Me: What’s an empty stomach?
peasant 1: okay. So. tithes. blighted or knighted bro?
peasant 2: blighted bro be fr.
peasant 1: right right. next one. Fair maidens?
peasant 2: kniiiiiighted bro hahahaha
peasant 1: yesss bro hahaha
My favourite part of the Bible is when the little guy finally throws his ring into the volcano.
“Calzone” is just an Italian word to make you feel better about eating a Hot Pocket in public.
Them: you have an attitude problem
Me: it’s not a problem… I like it
Oh well….there’s always tomorrow!
#hopespringseternal
priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
me: “SHE LEAVES THE VOLUME ON ODD NUMBERS”
priest: [slowly closes bible]
Entrepreneurs will work hard and put in 120% for years only for one article to tell you that their secret is that they do yoga at 4.30am 🙄🙄🙄
The squirrels of Grand Canyon might be cute. But they’ll beg. They’ll steal. They’ll bite. They’ll do anything to get what you want. So don’t trust them. Don’t approach them. And don’t give them anything—or they might take everything. – BM
[first date]
Me: *don’t let him know you’re the Mona Lisa*
Him: You look nice tonight
Me: *smiles ambiguously*
I just bought an answering machine! What should I ask it???
I’m “my wife will just leave me behind if I loiter too long at Target” years married.
lawyer: “my client claims the altercation began because – and i quote – “he came at me sideways”
crab: “in my defence..”
i’m really getting my money’s worth on rent this year
I interviewed 300 high achievers about their morning routine, and you will never believe, they all have inherited family wealth.
Wife: What’s going on?
Me: Updog
Wife: Oh not that joke again
Me: Just say it!
Wife: Fine, what’s updog?
Dog: A movie about a guy with a floating house
Wife: Holy shit
-Knock Knock!
-Who is it?
-The love of your life.
– 🙂 Really?
-Hahahaha no, it’s the pizza you ordered.
schrödinger: your results came back, there’s good and bad news
patient: what do they say?
schrödinger: [opening them] you have 2 weeks to live
patient: what’s the good news?
schrödinger: there isn’t any now
[courtroom]
Timothy: I was not involved
Victor: Nor was I
Lawyer: You could say it was a Vic-, Tim-less cri-
Judge: You’re all going to jail
[being murdered]
Two Murderers: *trying to kill me at the same time but their stabs cancel out*
Me: *becomes even more alive*
Who called baby elephants calves and not inphants
And I don’t want to hear people from imaginary places like Finland telling me that 57 degrees isn’t cold, save it for the elves, Santa
I was walking around the house naked and one of our smoke detectors went off so now it’s my favorite smoke detector.
Me: Coke please
Server: Sorry we don’t have Coke. Is vodka ok?
Me: Why yes, yes it is
“Wanna go camping?” “No thanks, I have a house.”