This is the most amazing dad shit I’ve ever seen. Dude let the baby go, caught the ball, recovered the baby mid air, only spilled a drop of beer and the baby didn’t drop the bottle.
Legendary!
You Might Also Like
me: [waiting in line at the bank]
other bank robber: “keith just go to the front”
Job interviewer: In the beginning, you’ll be earning $20 000, later on that can increase to $40 000. Me: OK, I’ll come again later then.
There’s been lots of “OH MY GOD!” screams coming from the room opposite mine; I just wish the couple in there didn’t pick now to be praying.
if you think about all the people you didn’t marry, you’ve had a positive impact on virtually every life in the world
My God! Have you seen the cost of funerals? No wonder people are living longer
I can’t believe how many women ignore their check engine light.
*ignores high blood pressure*
Slicing an avocado: “I’ll carefully carve two halves then cautiously remove the pit to avoid bruising the fruit.”
Slicing a pineapple: “I’LL SEE YOU IN HELL SPIKEYBOI!”
[sees man with a dracula tattoo] *whispers to self* vamp stamp
Teach a man to fish, feed him for a lifetime
Teach an octopus to play drums, change rock music forever
Me: What am I going to do with these sick time management skills?
Twitter: hold my beer
Someone should figure out how to turn children arguing into energy. We would be able to power the whole damn world.
I get it February, I can only leap about once every four years too.
Dear axe body spray,
Could you Please put a suggested spray size on your deodorant bottles.
Best regards,
Asphyxiated girls everywhere.
kid: whats the meaning of life?
me: life is like a bag of Doritos, when you get to a point where you think youve had enough, you notice there isnt much left in the bag, so you just power through to the end
kid: where do babies come from?
me: babies are like a bag of Doritos…
A child in the playground did an impressive move on the monkey bars
Wow, that’s pretty good, I said.
My 7 year old, without batting an eyelid, and not even realising he has Twitter potential, turned to me and uttered the words…
“Hold my rice cake”
once again thinking about how i would like a piece of the fbi cake from the silence of the lambs
i like keeping my metabolism on its toes. Like what’s it gonna be today, complete starvation or 6,000 calories.
9-year old: Dad smell this. You licked a puss.
Me: [mutes TV] what
9-year old: it’s so good. Smell it. You licked a puss.
Me: …
9-year old: [hands me a candle jar]
Me. It’s *eucalyptus*
They’re not all brilliant, but they’re all mine. Meaning my tweets, and maybe my kids, whatever.
I just found a quarter in the vending machine, if anyone is looking for a sugar mama.
I picked up good pizza and took it to Little Caesars to show it what happens to bad pizza.
A handshake means something completely different to a cannibal.
How to answer the door:
1. See person has arrived
2. Wait for doorbell
3. Count to five
4. Open and act surprised
My uterus really needs a new lining every month? Seems ungrateful. What’s wrong with the lining I got you last month. It was brand new
Ain’t no mountain high enough? Have you seen them?
I might not be able to speak another language but I can speak English slower!
Therapist: Would you use alcohol, food and sex as a means of feeling happy?
Me: Yes, thanks.
What do hostages eat? #ThingsYouDontAskAlexa
Canadians celebrate Thanksgiving earlier than Americans because we’ve learned to space out forcible family get-togethers
Was heating holiday leftovers and I accidentally dropped the plate. As we both stared at the carrots all over the floor my daughter announced “I guess the universe wants me to eat less vegetables.”